?who?

I just wanted to feel normal. I thought having years of history would allow me to lower my guard and step away from the disease the has overtaken my identity and life. It has been 1 years since we saw each other. He was never aware of the sufferings I endured. I now wonder did I say to much to help him be prepared or aware of who I am now.

My boys and I purchased salmon, shrimp and t-bone steak. asparagus being our side dish along with garlic bread. Mouth watering the meal planned for what I thought would be a special reunion. He was my last hope but yet again I found myself stood up and disappointed.

I recognized my time and attention should be more committed to my little men, so we hit the town. First arcade, next frozen yogurt ( yummy rebellion) last we finished the night off with bowling.

Since my diagnoses I find myself saying, " I can't" a lot. I find that Shakur is becoming a mirror image of who I am. I often lecture him to not adopt the " I can't" method yet I fail to set a good example. My kids need to be kids. Jaxson's only wish is for me to not have MS. I have to find a strength beyond my exterior to give my kids what they need. Sure the guy at the food counter gave me the eyes. It felt good to be looked at like that again but my focus is far from my needs but strictly to improve the quality of life for my children. The time I will have while they are still young.

When we have children I am sure most of us feel an undeniable sacrifice for our children. This drive or sacrifice allows me to see past my needs and empowers me to give my children all they might need for their development.

Challenging!! Yes, always.

It'ssss Baaaaaack! MS is ravaging my body once again. I am frustrated and feel trapped.

The End..

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold.
Count your many blessings, money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your Lord on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Today the cross is heavy to bear. I began singing this church hymn to redirect my thoughts and pain.

*1 year ago* Look how far I have come. I have been reading entries from 1 year ago and WOW! what a difference a few friends and 1 year will do. I am loving the fact that I can see how my strength has grown in just 1 year. I am seeing how we often find many of life's woes a curse but if we could only see 1 year ahead we would never say that. Bless yourselves with the desire to Journal so you can smile when you see how far you have really come.

May we feast on the words of Christ

Ho-hum... I find myself unsettled and not focused. I spend a lot of time tediously planning life in my head and it all sounds -mastorious- (my word for master-mind) but my worry and guilt over take my potential.

Back to the basics! (my rule of thumb when I can't form complete sentences or sense). I often think about " if God were to come today is my life and home in order", um no! NOT SO MUCH. Am I depending praying and putting my faith in God? um not so much!

Well go figure no wonder I am a basket case. Truth is I have to stop focusing on "I" and get back to serving others and my God and maybe I won't feel so much anxiety.

I often think I would survive so much easier in a monotonous environment. I like the idea of predictable. Yet I am lucky enough to be different and I am needing to explore the power within me. I heard some women talking in church one day about wanting to be perfect at everything. As women I think all of us strive to work miracles in every aspect of life. When really we are given gifts and strengths different from the next. I am still in my beginning stages of understanding those gifts. I am still searching for my opportunity to give back to society.

I truly believe we have to put our faith in God. I have had the opportunity to be led by him with my faith firm. I can never forget my cries of thanks and my power to understand his hand in my life. I recently experienced hardship and found myself slowly losing faith and direction. I have been able to regain my strength and my feisty personality and I am ready to apply that to the Lord's work.

"Come what may and love it". The way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy we can be in life. I am so grateful for the challenges I have faced and the strength I gained to overcome. I am grateful for the opportunity I have 2 raise 2 beautiful young men. As I raise them I see the power and love of God. What an amazing gift and I often know God chose them especially for me. I am loved by God and I am determined to fulfill his will for me.

Just Sunning

It took faith and a little push over the edge. Do you ever get a strong feeling that something is right for you? Do you always listen and take a leap of faith? Well I am finally in a healthy enough place that I can hear those moments that say "you can do it". I always felt like I could move mountains if I just had one person believe in me. I have come to understand My Heavenly Father believes in me. He gave me purpose and strength for a reason. I love to here my earthly Father say "God gave you these trials because out of all my daughters he knew you had the strength". As a child I fought for my Fathers attention. I was always trying to keep up with my brothers so that my father would notice me. My strength stands strong as I battle MS and slowly my spirit grows and strengthens. I love that I am creating a business and focus that allows me to touch other peoples lives. Already I can see the opened doors for me and I am so grateful for the many people who are patient and support me.

Yesterday it went from clear skies to dark clouds and rain within 30 minutes. It rained for a while and then the sun appeared, yet it was still raining. I said to my boys " how is it the sun is shining but it is raining". My sons reply " this weather has mixed emotions maybe the sun just need to cry instead of the clouds". :) I felt a connection to this sweet conversation. Sometimes my sun is shining but I find a reason to cry. I hope we can all recognize the sun in our lives and our tears; will be tears of joy.

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” -C.S. Lewis

Connecting dots.....

I promised myself I would not write without having a new purpose and experience. I am here in Star Valley, Wyoming. Star Valley was always a fun 2 week vacation when we were children but the truth is our roots are here. This to me is some of the most beautiful country I have seen. I come here and feel peace and understanding. See my grandfather bought 100's of acres back in the 70's mostly for cattle at first but my Grandfather had a dream and a vision and in the end he created not only a town but a resort. My Grandpa instilled that dream within everyone of us Stewarts. So when I come to Star Valley I find myself here. As I talk to my cousins a see a piece of me in each one of them. We sit and we laugh and we often times say " us Stewarts" because there is a title and claim to that name. That name has power and presence and I am realizing so do I.

OK so I go to a fair about 2 weeks ago when I was talking about purpose. I physically was having a bad day, having to use the walker to walk... I hate when that happens but I just needed to get out. My family kept trying to make me sit on a bench while they looked around.. now what fun is that? I pushed even harder and even further to try and prove I could do it. There came a time that I had to use the restroom but I didn't want the walker slowing me up so I walked without it. :) yah well I barely made it back.. The victory was I didn't fall. So I get to the main bench where all the old ladies are resting and as I sit there I see my favorite candles, Scentsy. I go and buy some and in that moment of choosing my scents something clicked inside of me. I saw myself in the girl working and I felt for a moment I could have a purpose other than mourning my disease. I gathered my candles and my info and went home and sat on it (not literally). I found myself creating opportunity to live and to give. Luckily Mandy called me and asked was I still interested in the opportunity and when I got that message everything in me said, "yes". So I had my first Scentsy party or sell and it was a success. I feel really good about all of this because it is getting my wheels turning, helping me look past my disability, creating opportunity and best of all giving me purpose.

When you connect the dots between your day's simple pleasures, life seems fuller and more satisfying.