Sweetness!

Life and my health is becoming positive and healthy. I am able to see the sweetness of my boys through the grace of God. Things had been a struggle for the past year with my health and it put a lot of weight on many peoples shoulders, especially my 2 little boys. Recently I have been doing everything I can with Shakur because he seemed to be suffering the most. Truth is I am all he has other than Grandmas and he carried a fear that I would die or that I was to sick to take care of him. A mothers love has no end. I would sacrifice anything for my 2 sweet boys. Lately Shakur has been writing love notes. It is the sweetest thing because he will fold it and then throw it on my lap top. It can easily be mistaken for garbage so I don't realize at first the folded piece of paper is meant for me. He will leave the room and then come back in and say " Geez Mom did you not even see that paper." He He I love it! he is so sweet and so funny. He loves me so much. Last night he walked over and handed me a piece of paper and he says "now write and tell your Dad you love him." I wrote my Dad a note and he says "Mom you could have written more than that." I am grateful to God for allowing me to be healthy at this time and to be able to give those around me relief especially my 2 sweet boys. I am so lucky to be a mother and to experience unconditional love. A child has so much to teach an adult if only we can open our eyes. They can take you away from the world's troubles with one sweet little gesture. I love, because my two babies love me.

Shuffle-step

Yowzers!! I only had 35 entries last year. Crazy coming from a girl that wrote everyday. My love for journaling came in the power of writing. There was a power in the release of ink to the paper. I am sure thankful for technology these days because it still allows me to communicate or release although I cannot write like I use to. It has taking me this past year to mourn specific losses to my body. Everyday I consciously thought of entries but I couldn't get over the fact that I couldn't write anymore. This past year I also had to give up my heels. Do you know what that feels like to a woman who was born for heels? I felt like it took away my womanhood. I am grateful that I have a lasting memory from a co-worker in 2008 she told me I had a strong and beautiful walk. (surprising to her because I am a big hipped woman) That compliment gives me hope that one day I can have my swaggerish walk again, but for now I am trying to find my new identity. I love the Ellen Degeneris look but I have hips so I have to cross it with Sharon Osbourne or something.

One of my reasons for not writing was I didn't want to always talk about MS. I felt like if I talked about it, I was inviting it to stay. Truth is my life has become ( a Mom with MS) but I have found that this trial/journey/heartache isn't oh so bad as long as I stay on top of it. Recently my biggest challenges consist of me falling everyday. My body feels like a human punching bag and the tile is getting the best of the TKO's. These aren't like knees bending falling down,;falls. I somehow manage to make a simple walk to the dryer or the fridge a stunt mans playground for fun. I am bruised everywhere and hurt a lot of the time. I fall like a chopped tree and yet my shoes remain perfectly where I had been standing. I can't seem to turn corners and don't let anyone have a conversation with me as I pass because then my brain loses concentration and here I come. My parents and I tend to get a good laugh but this war zone called my body is hurting.

My boys who are 10 and 8 are good sports. I know they hate the fact that I have MS. Jaxson's only wish in life is for me not to have MS. Shakur doesn't think I am very fun anymore and that is partially my fault. I am sure in so many ways I stopped living life this past year because of the pain and the fact I couldn't drive, I don't want to burden others and the list goes on. Well I am back to driving so i don't have an excuse. I just forget to have fun. I am cheap and because I live on such a small income I tend to save for a rainy day or maybe a monsoon. Truth is I need to learn to dance in the rain. My boys and I went out the other night without any rules. We went to the arcade then frozen yogurt and then bowling. They had fun..and sure I was sad because I waited for my boys to get big so I could compete with them but then I realized it was just a blessing to be right there with them HIGH 5ing their accomplishments on the bowling alley.

Life has a funny way of showing us LIFE. I am in the best place I have ever been emotionally and spiritually. For me that counts for so much more than physically. I have to remind myself not to take for granted the opportunities right here before me. I have friends who run in honor for me, i have friends who pick me up if I can't drive, and have young boys who get in the kitchen and will make themselves dinner and parents who find time to laugh with me over my newest bruise. Now it is time to adopt a slogan just for me or just for my family. I will think about it because it needs to be one of a kind but for now " this is our crazy timbered life and we are living"

?who?

I just wanted to feel normal. I thought having years of history would allow me to lower my guard and step away from the disease the has overtaken my identity and life. It has been 1 years since we saw each other. He was never aware of the sufferings I endured. I now wonder did I say to much to help him be prepared or aware of who I am now.

My boys and I purchased salmon, shrimp and t-bone steak. asparagus being our side dish along with garlic bread. Mouth watering the meal planned for what I thought would be a special reunion. He was my last hope but yet again I found myself stood up and disappointed.

I recognized my time and attention should be more committed to my little men, so we hit the town. First arcade, next frozen yogurt ( yummy rebellion) last we finished the night off with bowling.

Since my diagnoses I find myself saying, " I can't" a lot. I find that Shakur is becoming a mirror image of who I am. I often lecture him to not adopt the " I can't" method yet I fail to set a good example. My kids need to be kids. Jaxson's only wish is for me to not have MS. I have to find a strength beyond my exterior to give my kids what they need. Sure the guy at the food counter gave me the eyes. It felt good to be looked at like that again but my focus is far from my needs but strictly to improve the quality of life for my children. The time I will have while they are still young.

When we have children I am sure most of us feel an undeniable sacrifice for our children. This drive or sacrifice allows me to see past my needs and empowers me to give my children all they might need for their development.

Challenging!! Yes, always.

It'ssss Baaaaaack! MS is ravaging my body once again. I am frustrated and feel trapped.

The End..

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold.
Count your many blessings, money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your Lord on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Today the cross is heavy to bear. I began singing this church hymn to redirect my thoughts and pain.

*1 year ago* Look how far I have come. I have been reading entries from 1 year ago and WOW! what a difference a few friends and 1 year will do. I am loving the fact that I can see how my strength has grown in just 1 year. I am seeing how we often find many of life's woes a curse but if we could only see 1 year ahead we would never say that. Bless yourselves with the desire to Journal so you can smile when you see how far you have really come.

May we feast on the words of Christ

Ho-hum... I find myself unsettled and not focused. I spend a lot of time tediously planning life in my head and it all sounds -mastorious- (my word for master-mind) but my worry and guilt over take my potential.

Back to the basics! (my rule of thumb when I can't form complete sentences or sense). I often think about " if God were to come today is my life and home in order", um no! NOT SO MUCH. Am I depending praying and putting my faith in God? um not so much!

Well go figure no wonder I am a basket case. Truth is I have to stop focusing on "I" and get back to serving others and my God and maybe I won't feel so much anxiety.

I often think I would survive so much easier in a monotonous environment. I like the idea of predictable. Yet I am lucky enough to be different and I am needing to explore the power within me. I heard some women talking in church one day about wanting to be perfect at everything. As women I think all of us strive to work miracles in every aspect of life. When really we are given gifts and strengths different from the next. I am still in my beginning stages of understanding those gifts. I am still searching for my opportunity to give back to society.

I truly believe we have to put our faith in God. I have had the opportunity to be led by him with my faith firm. I can never forget my cries of thanks and my power to understand his hand in my life. I recently experienced hardship and found myself slowly losing faith and direction. I have been able to regain my strength and my feisty personality and I am ready to apply that to the Lord's work.

"Come what may and love it". The way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy we can be in life. I am so grateful for the challenges I have faced and the strength I gained to overcome. I am grateful for the opportunity I have 2 raise 2 beautiful young men. As I raise them I see the power and love of God. What an amazing gift and I often know God chose them especially for me. I am loved by God and I am determined to fulfill his will for me.