I'll be there in a hurry

Getting motivated.. transform old habits into good.. what a challenge! I have a huge wall of stubborn misfit inside of me. Awkwardly it is my nature to rebel. Why? Why does this have to be my challenge in life? I am and have been settled into life. Content with my choices and progress but there is this little something inside of me that has to act out. Right now I don't have many ways to rebel so it ends up being with food. For one I don't have an appetite. Maybe it is my thyroid and MS meds or maybe it is just me. I have a hard time eating so I tend to just snack. Well snacks usually aren't within the 5 food groups; at least not the ones placed before me. So granted I had a health scare and some obnoxious set backs but I just can't drop the weight I gained from these situations. You know what I hate? I hate that I am even talking about my weight in this manner. I have always been a thick woman but never was I insecure with my body shape, until now. I have never been a dieter but now it looks as though I have joined a new group within society. There are limits to my physical activities. Part of me is bound by fear; fear of the pain that follows or the weakness and disability within my body. I have a little guy on one shoulder saying "there are no limits to where you go" and the other voice " saying don't do it, you will pay for it with pain". I weened myself off of my pain meds because I could not handle how it altered my brain. I felt a constant fog which took away feeling and my thought processing. All my life i have been a thinker and a feeler so this was not o.k. or comfortable for me to be in a state of obscurity.

This summer I am headed to Star Valley, WY. I have the chance to make good healthy choices; without to many distractions. I will be surrounded by majestic mountains. I am hoping I can fight my stubborn ways and overcome this weight that haunts me. I have a lot of family there so I am hoping to get them on my side so they can push me to my goal. Having family can go good or bad. Family equals celebration, food, long visits and so on.

Truly I am grateful that weight is my challenge right now. I have overcome disabilities and set backs. So it is funny to me that I cry about my weight. I sit here and smile that this is my biggest challenge right now.

There are many things I am grateful for mainly the feeling of comfort I receive from a loving God. I love to tap into my inner Marvin Gaye and belt out the appropriate song for my life which is "Aint No Mountain High Enough". I love to sing this to that girl I know I am suppose to become.

"There ain't no mountain high enough,
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you"

I love the fight in me! I am just learning to fight for what matters.

Tough as nails

I just caught my breath as I look back on last week. Feeling like I just got out alive..barely! Funny how we wonder how we will make it through and yet again the following week it feels like there is life's next nightmare. arggh! I want to know who is manning this operation. They need to understand I must relax so that I can get better. -NOPE- instead I am pushed each week to the brim.

All this talk of ask for help.. it is great to get help but I exhaust myself finding the person who has the energy and the schedule to pull off another persons needs outside of their own. Life has a way of jumping out on you just when you think you have everything in control.. just when you are ready to wrap yourself in your snuggy and crawl into your favorite spot and just relax.

So since i am stubborn maybe even bull headed I have the will to fight. Many people overcome tragedy and illness with a good fight; so why can't I? I don't feel like resting nor do I feel like asking for help..ummm you didn't hear me say that! But really now I have 2 young boys that are "we need you right now" kind of boys. Where is the rest in that? Well there just isn't so cross your fingers that I don't drive myself into the ground :). -I have faith-

I dreamed of being a boxer and a dancer. Now I feel like the only thing I am fighting is my dreams.

Where am I?

Where am I right now? I feel in limbo..seeking purpose. I was always a career Mom. I liked having specific purpose and although it became exhausting with 2 kids it made me whole. Now that i am not working I find motivation and stamina a conflict. I get that my body is not 100% yet I want to function at 110%. What a conflict. Being forced to relax seems so foolish for me to feel this way. Have you ever sabotaged success because it is an unfamiliar place? Well that is where I am right now. I could work towards weight loss and improving my health: but NO my mind doesn't want that. I know if I work just a little a day towards my goal that fire with finally light inside of me. I feel every time I start something kicks me back down. There is success in overcoming those barriers but I just have to find the strength one more time. I am often inspired by those that surround me. I need to surround myself with strong, surviving women.

I have a son who treats me like I treated my Mom. He is only 7 so this should be fun. I can say humility and foot in my mouth. As I reflect on Mothers day I find that my heart needs to be softened. I have been asked to talk in church on Mothers Day. I suppose doing all the research got me thinking. I often dreaded the date because it caused me to reflect on my failures instead of my accomplishments. As I write my talk I figure I will speak to the women who might share my similar pain or those women who aren't yet Mothers. I understand being a Mother comes in all variations. Being a single parent there have been many that have helped me along the way. I will call on my Lord to guide me through these trying times. I am fortunate to have this opportunity to reflect.

My fabret day

Should parents be held responsible for their children's actions? I think we play a major role in our children's progression. Monkey see; monkey do. So my point of writing this is because I wanted to brag but the truth is I have a conscious and I know that my boys gain a major part of their qualities from me. Yah a few I am not proud of. Being a single Mom I sometimes feel it necessary to rough my boys up (wrestle, tease and punch them like a big sister would) Don't worry I am not being abusive but mocking what I would think a Dad would do if he were around. My younger more sensitive son told be yesterday I was a bully. HMM! I wondered how could that be? So I asked and listened. So he says because of the way I beat them up and play with him. OUCH! My first thought was he is being to sensitive he should know I am just playing around with him. I then recall feeling those same emotions as a child and wishing I had a voice to be heard. He continues to tell me in a sweet way he doesn't like bullies and he never want's to be a bully. He refuses to be with kids who might act in that manner. Embarrassing..! my 7 year old is giving me lessons in life. As much as I am a tom boy and loved wrestling and roughing up boys when I was a little girl I have to sort of soften up and be an example for my kids. Shakur is always holding me to my promises and actions. Don't you love a child that keeps you in line. lol The best part of my son watching my every move is that he has taken on some sweet and spiritual actions of mine. I love to see when my actions as a mother prove to be a success. So my son is in the 1st grade and he is new at reading and writing. I have loved writing and in the past year I have been disciplined at keeping a journal. A journal for me is a release of emotion that is necessary but not everyone wants to hear about. I am also grateful for this desire because I only hope it will serve a purpose later in life. So the best part is my son came to me with an empty notebook today and said this is his journal. He shared with me it's contents "I am a fan of Ellen (Degeneres)" he writes -so funny- He professes his love but we will keep the girls a secret. I just love that he is keeping a journal. I won't be naughty and tell all but he makes me laugh. The best part is how he is sounding out words to spell and my favorite part is that he spelled favorite =Fabret. Kids are sweet, I wish I had 20 so I could laugh all day.

Happy Birthday for me

Oh by golley G...supercalifragilis-expealidocious I am a day older and wiser too. Pretty relaxed.. no night at the clubs but I went and saw Rio had a sonic Dr. Pepper and tortilla soup from Baja. I am in a simple stage of life and willing to embrace my following chapter of life. I look forward to spending my summer in Beautiful Star Valley Wyoming. Laying by the pool and spending time with my extended family. I will run now because I have to wake early to hit the gym with my Dad. I am hoping to maintain strength and physically improve. I will either push myself to success or push myself to be bed ridden. No Fear! Masseuse and Chiropractor will be standing close by. Toodles

...Even your spinach

Ponder..wait...pray..wait..cry and wait

I am forever seeking. Seeking my meaning. Ideally I had something else in mind. I was only taught one way but yet that way became a path I was not familiar with. I often wonder did I choose this path or is it the path that was handed to me. I am not on the cookie cutter path instead I am searching everywhere just to find the ingredients. I once was lost but I want to be found. I feel in transition. A feeling of being spun 100 times with the blind fold on.. stopped and now I have to walk that chosen path. I have what it takes within me.. it was always there... I just have to find my footing to continue on. I am not sure if i have any obvious distractions other than myself. It is a good thing I write cause I have to go back and visit myself just to find that strength. Oh how it is easy to forget. Imagine the labor we go through to birth a child or the painful road for those who just find that path to be a parent. Somewhere along the way there is pain,sadness and misery but in an instance the pain is gone when we fulfill the fruits of our labors.

Maintaining that strength by far is the biggest challenge. Accessing all the tools necessary to fight through just one more moment of one more day. How long should we try? When do we know the effort is good enough. I am like a small child desperately seeking approval. Approval creates motivation and security for me. As I read about my past in my journals I find it easy to approve of that person I read about. So why is it so hard to do in the moment each day? I am a person of reason and meaning. Without a role to play I lose my abilities. What role can a divorced mother of 2; crippling with pain of MS play? This has become my challenge; to seek "me". I must seek the unknown to find meaning.

Of course I have flashes of what I imagined life would be like. I then have flashes of the road I took that changed the course. Finally I just look at me now. It haunts me as if looking at an old picture where once I felt fat. Now I pick that picture up and say "I was so beautiful I wish I could be her again". I think "if I only I knew that what would I have made her become".We have the opportunity to find beauty in the moment but we will be disappointed if we seek anywhere other than within ourselves.

Beautiful is gliding with each step.
Beautiful is weather that allows us to enjoy our family on a spring day in the park.
Beautiful is a family pulling together in the time of tragedy.
Beautiful is having someone tell you they are proud of you.
Beautiful is being recognized, acknowledged and loved.
Beautiful is the simple act of giving.
Beautiful is to experience love.

Love absolutely everything that happens in your life you wont regret it....

To close but to far

Some days I would love to jump in the car, grab a smoothie and take the kids to the park. It's ok I am forced to just take it easy for now. I love my time spent with my boys. Moving back in with Mom and Dad is a blessing but it has its challenges. I feel like I have lost my identity as mother and I'm put back in a child's place. I watched this new show where the kids take over... I so wish I could have been on that show as a child. I love, that the show gives the kids a voice. I find not having a voice can be a challenge for me. I love to express and communicate so my efforts to connect with others can sometimes seem burdensome for them. Being trapped in the house all day and no opportunity to interact and express; by far it is my biggest challenge. I see that I am worrying about unnecessary things and that my worries are becoming more selfish. It is important to maintain an active physical body and mind so that I don't find myself deteriorating. Life's lessons show up in mysterious ways. I will just have to find myself in each one of them