Purpose, what is it?

As I get my strength back I begin to adjust my sails. My heart (my vessel) is ready to move. I feel this storm, this Tiger brewing inside of me and I am seeking an outlet. Of course there are differences about me now and physical limitations but I pray they don't stay permanent. How do I at 33 readjust my sails and find a whole new passion or purpose? It's harder than you think. Maybe even a process that has been going on longer than i am consciously aware. I imagine this process might happen many times over a life span. I was reading this book, A Passionate Life a christian based book. It talked about finding your purpose and that we should take paper and write down what we are passionate about. The writer states to continue the list writing until you find the purpose that makes you cry or have some emotional connection. "Interesting", I thought. This list can take hours, maybe days but in the end it will be helpful. As I was making a small list in my head I kept thinking do I have enough life experience to recognize what I am passionate about? Do I expose myself to a variety of things to see myself within it? umm, probably not! The truth is I have a lot of passion and no real direction. I believe I could take just about anything and move mountains with it. I am on a quest and I would even take advice or direction to push me through this safety zone I am living in. In my 20's I took risks now in my 30's I find myself being to modest and to safe. "Practice will get you in the rhythm of walking". So get ready for my recital it will be -far out-.

The will of God

The will of God will never take you,
Where the grace of God cannot keep you.
Where the arms of God cannot support you,
Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
Where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the spirit of God cannot work through you,
Where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
Where the army of God cannot protect you,
Where the hands of God cannot mold you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the love of God cannot enfold you,
Where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
Where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
Where the Word of God cannot feed you,
Where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
Where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

poem by Georgy

Humility

Filled with guilt and contention. I understand my spirit is in turmoil therefore polluting those that surround me. I understand that when my finger gets to pointing I am somehow silently suffering. I need to look inside myself and find my sufferings and weakness so that I can do what it takes to pull the layers of hurt and pain. My confidence is low therefore I feel as though I am under microscope and I am being judged. There is a pressure of perfection; a reality which is challenging to reach.

I have to often ask myself where that pressure of perfection is coming from. I have always wanted to please my parents maybe even stand out above my siblings so that I am acknowledged in a positive light. Is it competition or a desire to improve myself? I am motivated by competition but this is a time that I must make things right for myself not for my parents approval.

Repentance comes to mind for mine actions against others. I have a commitment to love unconditionally and to see all for the good they offer whether it be for me or others. Pride and criticism seem to be my weakness. So easily I forget my shortcomings and so quickly I judge.

Today on Fathers Day I will think of my Heavenly Father and I will recommit my resolutions and I will find joy in service to my Lord. It is my duty to keep my heart cleansed and to share my heart and testimony with others. My weaknesses are also my strength. I shall commit myself to choose the strength in light of my weaknesses.

Do not wait for the God to humble you. Humility earned and worked for is much more gratifying.

Ephesian 4:29
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

Happy Fathers Day!

I'll be there in a hurry

Getting motivated.. transform old habits into good.. what a challenge! I have a huge wall of stubborn misfit inside of me. Awkwardly it is my nature to rebel. Why? Why does this have to be my challenge in life? I am and have been settled into life. Content with my choices and progress but there is this little something inside of me that has to act out. Right now I don't have many ways to rebel so it ends up being with food. For one I don't have an appetite. Maybe it is my thyroid and MS meds or maybe it is just me. I have a hard time eating so I tend to just snack. Well snacks usually aren't within the 5 food groups; at least not the ones placed before me. So granted I had a health scare and some obnoxious set backs but I just can't drop the weight I gained from these situations. You know what I hate? I hate that I am even talking about my weight in this manner. I have always been a thick woman but never was I insecure with my body shape, until now. I have never been a dieter but now it looks as though I have joined a new group within society. There are limits to my physical activities. Part of me is bound by fear; fear of the pain that follows or the weakness and disability within my body. I have a little guy on one shoulder saying "there are no limits to where you go" and the other voice " saying don't do it, you will pay for it with pain". I weened myself off of my pain meds because I could not handle how it altered my brain. I felt a constant fog which took away feeling and my thought processing. All my life i have been a thinker and a feeler so this was not o.k. or comfortable for me to be in a state of obscurity.

This summer I am headed to Star Valley, WY. I have the chance to make good healthy choices; without to many distractions. I will be surrounded by majestic mountains. I am hoping I can fight my stubborn ways and overcome this weight that haunts me. I have a lot of family there so I am hoping to get them on my side so they can push me to my goal. Having family can go good or bad. Family equals celebration, food, long visits and so on.

Truly I am grateful that weight is my challenge right now. I have overcome disabilities and set backs. So it is funny to me that I cry about my weight. I sit here and smile that this is my biggest challenge right now.

There are many things I am grateful for mainly the feeling of comfort I receive from a loving God. I love to tap into my inner Marvin Gaye and belt out the appropriate song for my life which is "Aint No Mountain High Enough". I love to sing this to that girl I know I am suppose to become.

"There ain't no mountain high enough,
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you"

I love the fight in me! I am just learning to fight for what matters.

Tough as nails

I just caught my breath as I look back on last week. Feeling like I just got out alive..barely! Funny how we wonder how we will make it through and yet again the following week it feels like there is life's next nightmare. arggh! I want to know who is manning this operation. They need to understand I must relax so that I can get better. -NOPE- instead I am pushed each week to the brim.

All this talk of ask for help.. it is great to get help but I exhaust myself finding the person who has the energy and the schedule to pull off another persons needs outside of their own. Life has a way of jumping out on you just when you think you have everything in control.. just when you are ready to wrap yourself in your snuggy and crawl into your favorite spot and just relax.

So since i am stubborn maybe even bull headed I have the will to fight. Many people overcome tragedy and illness with a good fight; so why can't I? I don't feel like resting nor do I feel like asking for help..ummm you didn't hear me say that! But really now I have 2 young boys that are "we need you right now" kind of boys. Where is the rest in that? Well there just isn't so cross your fingers that I don't drive myself into the ground :). -I have faith-

I dreamed of being a boxer and a dancer. Now I feel like the only thing I am fighting is my dreams.

Where am I?

Where am I right now? I feel in limbo..seeking purpose. I was always a career Mom. I liked having specific purpose and although it became exhausting with 2 kids it made me whole. Now that i am not working I find motivation and stamina a conflict. I get that my body is not 100% yet I want to function at 110%. What a conflict. Being forced to relax seems so foolish for me to feel this way. Have you ever sabotaged success because it is an unfamiliar place? Well that is where I am right now. I could work towards weight loss and improving my health: but NO my mind doesn't want that. I know if I work just a little a day towards my goal that fire with finally light inside of me. I feel every time I start something kicks me back down. There is success in overcoming those barriers but I just have to find the strength one more time. I am often inspired by those that surround me. I need to surround myself with strong, surviving women.

I have a son who treats me like I treated my Mom. He is only 7 so this should be fun. I can say humility and foot in my mouth. As I reflect on Mothers day I find that my heart needs to be softened. I have been asked to talk in church on Mothers Day. I suppose doing all the research got me thinking. I often dreaded the date because it caused me to reflect on my failures instead of my accomplishments. As I write my talk I figure I will speak to the women who might share my similar pain or those women who aren't yet Mothers. I understand being a Mother comes in all variations. Being a single parent there have been many that have helped me along the way. I will call on my Lord to guide me through these trying times. I am fortunate to have this opportunity to reflect.

My fabret day

Should parents be held responsible for their children's actions? I think we play a major role in our children's progression. Monkey see; monkey do. So my point of writing this is because I wanted to brag but the truth is I have a conscious and I know that my boys gain a major part of their qualities from me. Yah a few I am not proud of. Being a single Mom I sometimes feel it necessary to rough my boys up (wrestle, tease and punch them like a big sister would) Don't worry I am not being abusive but mocking what I would think a Dad would do if he were around. My younger more sensitive son told be yesterday I was a bully. HMM! I wondered how could that be? So I asked and listened. So he says because of the way I beat them up and play with him. OUCH! My first thought was he is being to sensitive he should know I am just playing around with him. I then recall feeling those same emotions as a child and wishing I had a voice to be heard. He continues to tell me in a sweet way he doesn't like bullies and he never want's to be a bully. He refuses to be with kids who might act in that manner. Embarrassing..! my 7 year old is giving me lessons in life. As much as I am a tom boy and loved wrestling and roughing up boys when I was a little girl I have to sort of soften up and be an example for my kids. Shakur is always holding me to my promises and actions. Don't you love a child that keeps you in line. lol The best part of my son watching my every move is that he has taken on some sweet and spiritual actions of mine. I love to see when my actions as a mother prove to be a success. So my son is in the 1st grade and he is new at reading and writing. I have loved writing and in the past year I have been disciplined at keeping a journal. A journal for me is a release of emotion that is necessary but not everyone wants to hear about. I am also grateful for this desire because I only hope it will serve a purpose later in life. So the best part is my son came to me with an empty notebook today and said this is his journal. He shared with me it's contents "I am a fan of Ellen (Degeneres)" he writes -so funny- He professes his love but we will keep the girls a secret. I just love that he is keeping a journal. I won't be naughty and tell all but he makes me laugh. The best part is how he is sounding out words to spell and my favorite part is that he spelled favorite =Fabret. Kids are sweet, I wish I had 20 so I could laugh all day.