May we feast on the words of Christ

Ho-hum... I find myself unsettled and not focused. I spend a lot of time tediously planning life in my head and it all sounds -mastorious- (my word for master-mind) but my worry and guilt over take my potential.

Back to the basics! (my rule of thumb when I can't form complete sentences or sense). I often think about " if God were to come today is my life and home in order", um no! NOT SO MUCH. Am I depending praying and putting my faith in God? um not so much!

Well go figure no wonder I am a basket case. Truth is I have to stop focusing on "I" and get back to serving others and my God and maybe I won't feel so much anxiety.

I often think I would survive so much easier in a monotonous environment. I like the idea of predictable. Yet I am lucky enough to be different and I am needing to explore the power within me. I heard some women talking in church one day about wanting to be perfect at everything. As women I think all of us strive to work miracles in every aspect of life. When really we are given gifts and strengths different from the next. I am still in my beginning stages of understanding those gifts. I am still searching for my opportunity to give back to society.

I truly believe we have to put our faith in God. I have had the opportunity to be led by him with my faith firm. I can never forget my cries of thanks and my power to understand his hand in my life. I recently experienced hardship and found myself slowly losing faith and direction. I have been able to regain my strength and my feisty personality and I am ready to apply that to the Lord's work.

"Come what may and love it". The way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy we can be in life. I am so grateful for the challenges I have faced and the strength I gained to overcome. I am grateful for the opportunity I have 2 raise 2 beautiful young men. As I raise them I see the power and love of God. What an amazing gift and I often know God chose them especially for me. I am loved by God and I am determined to fulfill his will for me.

Just Sunning

It took faith and a little push over the edge. Do you ever get a strong feeling that something is right for you? Do you always listen and take a leap of faith? Well I am finally in a healthy enough place that I can hear those moments that say "you can do it". I always felt like I could move mountains if I just had one person believe in me. I have come to understand My Heavenly Father believes in me. He gave me purpose and strength for a reason. I love to here my earthly Father say "God gave you these trials because out of all my daughters he knew you had the strength". As a child I fought for my Fathers attention. I was always trying to keep up with my brothers so that my father would notice me. My strength stands strong as I battle MS and slowly my spirit grows and strengthens. I love that I am creating a business and focus that allows me to touch other peoples lives. Already I can see the opened doors for me and I am so grateful for the many people who are patient and support me.

Yesterday it went from clear skies to dark clouds and rain within 30 minutes. It rained for a while and then the sun appeared, yet it was still raining. I said to my boys " how is it the sun is shining but it is raining". My sons reply " this weather has mixed emotions maybe the sun just need to cry instead of the clouds". :) I felt a connection to this sweet conversation. Sometimes my sun is shining but I find a reason to cry. I hope we can all recognize the sun in our lives and our tears; will be tears of joy.

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” -C.S. Lewis

Connecting dots.....

I promised myself I would not write without having a new purpose and experience. I am here in Star Valley, Wyoming. Star Valley was always a fun 2 week vacation when we were children but the truth is our roots are here. This to me is some of the most beautiful country I have seen. I come here and feel peace and understanding. See my grandfather bought 100's of acres back in the 70's mostly for cattle at first but my Grandfather had a dream and a vision and in the end he created not only a town but a resort. My Grandpa instilled that dream within everyone of us Stewarts. So when I come to Star Valley I find myself here. As I talk to my cousins a see a piece of me in each one of them. We sit and we laugh and we often times say " us Stewarts" because there is a title and claim to that name. That name has power and presence and I am realizing so do I.

OK so I go to a fair about 2 weeks ago when I was talking about purpose. I physically was having a bad day, having to use the walker to walk... I hate when that happens but I just needed to get out. My family kept trying to make me sit on a bench while they looked around.. now what fun is that? I pushed even harder and even further to try and prove I could do it. There came a time that I had to use the restroom but I didn't want the walker slowing me up so I walked without it. :) yah well I barely made it back.. The victory was I didn't fall. So I get to the main bench where all the old ladies are resting and as I sit there I see my favorite candles, Scentsy. I go and buy some and in that moment of choosing my scents something clicked inside of me. I saw myself in the girl working and I felt for a moment I could have a purpose other than mourning my disease. I gathered my candles and my info and went home and sat on it (not literally). I found myself creating opportunity to live and to give. Luckily Mandy called me and asked was I still interested in the opportunity and when I got that message everything in me said, "yes". So I had my first Scentsy party or sell and it was a success. I feel really good about all of this because it is getting my wheels turning, helping me look past my disability, creating opportunity and best of all giving me purpose.

When you connect the dots between your day's simple pleasures, life seems fuller and more satisfying.

Purpose, what is it?

As I get my strength back I begin to adjust my sails. My heart (my vessel) is ready to move. I feel this storm, this Tiger brewing inside of me and I am seeking an outlet. Of course there are differences about me now and physical limitations but I pray they don't stay permanent. How do I at 33 readjust my sails and find a whole new passion or purpose? It's harder than you think. Maybe even a process that has been going on longer than i am consciously aware. I imagine this process might happen many times over a life span. I was reading this book, A Passionate Life a christian based book. It talked about finding your purpose and that we should take paper and write down what we are passionate about. The writer states to continue the list writing until you find the purpose that makes you cry or have some emotional connection. "Interesting", I thought. This list can take hours, maybe days but in the end it will be helpful. As I was making a small list in my head I kept thinking do I have enough life experience to recognize what I am passionate about? Do I expose myself to a variety of things to see myself within it? umm, probably not! The truth is I have a lot of passion and no real direction. I believe I could take just about anything and move mountains with it. I am on a quest and I would even take advice or direction to push me through this safety zone I am living in. In my 20's I took risks now in my 30's I find myself being to modest and to safe. "Practice will get you in the rhythm of walking". So get ready for my recital it will be -far out-.

The will of God

The will of God will never take you,
Where the grace of God cannot keep you.
Where the arms of God cannot support you,
Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
Where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the spirit of God cannot work through you,
Where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
Where the army of God cannot protect you,
Where the hands of God cannot mold you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the love of God cannot enfold you,
Where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
Where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
Where the Word of God cannot feed you,
Where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
Where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

poem by Georgy

Humility

Filled with guilt and contention. I understand my spirit is in turmoil therefore polluting those that surround me. I understand that when my finger gets to pointing I am somehow silently suffering. I need to look inside myself and find my sufferings and weakness so that I can do what it takes to pull the layers of hurt and pain. My confidence is low therefore I feel as though I am under microscope and I am being judged. There is a pressure of perfection; a reality which is challenging to reach.

I have to often ask myself where that pressure of perfection is coming from. I have always wanted to please my parents maybe even stand out above my siblings so that I am acknowledged in a positive light. Is it competition or a desire to improve myself? I am motivated by competition but this is a time that I must make things right for myself not for my parents approval.

Repentance comes to mind for mine actions against others. I have a commitment to love unconditionally and to see all for the good they offer whether it be for me or others. Pride and criticism seem to be my weakness. So easily I forget my shortcomings and so quickly I judge.

Today on Fathers Day I will think of my Heavenly Father and I will recommit my resolutions and I will find joy in service to my Lord. It is my duty to keep my heart cleansed and to share my heart and testimony with others. My weaknesses are also my strength. I shall commit myself to choose the strength in light of my weaknesses.

Do not wait for the God to humble you. Humility earned and worked for is much more gratifying.

Ephesian 4:29
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

Happy Fathers Day!

I'll be there in a hurry

Getting motivated.. transform old habits into good.. what a challenge! I have a huge wall of stubborn misfit inside of me. Awkwardly it is my nature to rebel. Why? Why does this have to be my challenge in life? I am and have been settled into life. Content with my choices and progress but there is this little something inside of me that has to act out. Right now I don't have many ways to rebel so it ends up being with food. For one I don't have an appetite. Maybe it is my thyroid and MS meds or maybe it is just me. I have a hard time eating so I tend to just snack. Well snacks usually aren't within the 5 food groups; at least not the ones placed before me. So granted I had a health scare and some obnoxious set backs but I just can't drop the weight I gained from these situations. You know what I hate? I hate that I am even talking about my weight in this manner. I have always been a thick woman but never was I insecure with my body shape, until now. I have never been a dieter but now it looks as though I have joined a new group within society. There are limits to my physical activities. Part of me is bound by fear; fear of the pain that follows or the weakness and disability within my body. I have a little guy on one shoulder saying "there are no limits to where you go" and the other voice " saying don't do it, you will pay for it with pain". I weened myself off of my pain meds because I could not handle how it altered my brain. I felt a constant fog which took away feeling and my thought processing. All my life i have been a thinker and a feeler so this was not o.k. or comfortable for me to be in a state of obscurity.

This summer I am headed to Star Valley, WY. I have the chance to make good healthy choices; without to many distractions. I will be surrounded by majestic mountains. I am hoping I can fight my stubborn ways and overcome this weight that haunts me. I have a lot of family there so I am hoping to get them on my side so they can push me to my goal. Having family can go good or bad. Family equals celebration, food, long visits and so on.

Truly I am grateful that weight is my challenge right now. I have overcome disabilities and set backs. So it is funny to me that I cry about my weight. I sit here and smile that this is my biggest challenge right now.

There are many things I am grateful for mainly the feeling of comfort I receive from a loving God. I love to tap into my inner Marvin Gaye and belt out the appropriate song for my life which is "Aint No Mountain High Enough". I love to sing this to that girl I know I am suppose to become.

"There ain't no mountain high enough,
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you"

I love the fight in me! I am just learning to fight for what matters.