Our focus

"Do we focus to much on what we lack rather than what we have received."?  "Are we quick to blame rather than seek answers and change."?

not sure..but it happened

slowly you ooze into my  presence each drop rains on me

self...

As my friend Allison said " blogging for her was self-discovery". I remember when Alli and I reunited in California after years and years of not seeing each other. I remember her showing me her blog and how much of a release it was for her and she encouraged me to do the same. I was not computer or blog savvy and so her recommendation didn't come to life until years later.

I was always a journal writer but it usually was my struggles written down on paper. As I became comfortable with my single years I realized I was just a person who needed to release and then I felt better (good, bad or indifferent).

Before I was diagnosed with MS I began my spiritual journey and throughout this time of conversion I found the need to record it. I wanted my boys to read and understand me once they grew older. I wanted them to know my weaknesses and challenges but most importantly how I overcame each and every challenge. It is fun to look at my boys and see myself in each of them. The upside is I might be able to detect what their challenges might be and the downside is I might overcompensate their own little trials meant for them.

I began a blog when my hands became disabled and could no longer write. I had two strong fingers that allowed me to release my pain and confusion. All of this that I have gone through has been discovery and premium experience. I can finally say I can write again but prefer to Blog now and hopefully print this into a book for my babies. Can you imagine if we had some insight on our parents thoughts and journey's.

 I am in a good place now and I understand there is so much more to be revealed.

The few, the proud, and the complicated

Today I felt something so powerful and so magical. Truly I felt acknowledged by God. I have received so much strength through my trial of  M.S.  I often feel like I can do laps around my peers. Recently I have had some trials and surprisingly I found peace and strength to overcome each situation.
I am grateful for those who prepare their talks for church and the spirit leads them to touch lives; mine being one of them. An amazing musical number equal to opera brought me to tears today.

The election of 2012 just took place and for once in my 34 years I decided to be in tune with and learn as much as I could. I struggled to know my place in this world but when I found the party that was parallel to my needs, I found myself separated from a community I have always been apart of. When they say to vote, they say "vote for what is best for you". Soon after I wondered if it was a logical choice or a selfish choice. I had people namely my parents saying, "what about us and our retirement"? And I could not help but worry about each and every party involved. When is it our time in life that our choice is just that, "our choice". Many people had not done their own homework but parroted only what they had heard or come up with. I looked to so many conservatives to see "me" and then teach me but each one of them had an " I,I,I" outlook. When I spoke to many liberals or democrats they immediately gathered my info and told me what choice was best for me and why.

One Liberal in particular knew of my community and knew the outcome of my opposing decision but with encouragement, said "you can be the example". I suppose all my life I have stood out and chose differently; some choices good and some not so good.

???

Self centered? Stuck? Naive? Foolish? Trapped? Uneducated? Common Behavior and fear?

Why does it feel like I am a puzzle piece trying to fit in the wrong puzzle? Why is it that I know I am designated yet I am not positioned.

for instance when I date
things can be spectacular and in the same breath
-fear boils inside of me

I am starting to believe the closer someone gets to me

I then begin my process

of...

and you know the rest

In my religion we are taught to feel, I believe (my words) more so than we are taught to see facts

this is my interpretation...

but I am trying to understand why...

I always have to feel yet I am not trained to use logic

Is it my family dynamics or is it the culture of my religious experience?

why the hell am I like this?

Fear of rejection

I have a whole heart to give but...

History shows that doesn't work for me

it is almost like I have to play a cat and mouse game

to stay ahead

I want to be simple and protected

I get so wrapped up in someones presence to the point I feel lost without them.

Keeping it simple and airy..Life is like a box of chocolates if you eat to many you get to heavy. I have carried the weight of the world for to long. I find it funny the process of maturity slowly our eyes are opened

Filled with guilt and contention. I understand my spirit is in turmoil therefore polluting those that surround me. I understand that when my finger gets to pointing I am somehow silently suffering. I need to look inside myself and find my sufferings and weakness so that I can do what it takes to pull the layers of hurt and pain. My confidence is low therefore I feel as though I am under microscope and I am being judged. There is a pressure of perfection; a reality which is challenging to reach.

I have to often ask myself where that pressure of perfection is coming from. I have always wanted to please my parents maybe even stand out above my siblings so that I am acknowledged in a positive light. Is it competition or a desire to improve myself? I am motivated by competition but this is a time that I must make things right for myself not for my parents approval.

Repentance comes to mind for mine actions against others. I have a commitment to love unconditionally and to see all for the good they offer whether it be for me or others. Pride and criticism seem to be my weakness. So easily I forget my shortcomings and so quickly I judge.

Today on Fathers Day I will think of my Heavenly Father and I will recommit my resolutions and I will find joy in service to my Lord. It is my duty to keep my heart cleansed and to share my heart and testimony with others. My weaknesses are also my strength. I shall commit myself to choose the strength in light of my weaknesses.

Do not wait for the God to humble you. Humility earned and worked for is much more gratifying.

Ephesian 4:29
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

Happy Fathers Day!

Where do we find our fire and desire? Do we have a cause we fight for? This week I have seen people fight for life through weight loss, young kids fight for their dream to sing, a young refugee fight for education, a mother fight for peace and love for her daughter and a woman fight for the life of mountain gorillas. I guess all of this inspiration got me thinking. What is my heart's desire? What is my passion in life?