Shuffle-step

Yowzers!! I only had 35 entries last year. Crazy coming from a girl that wrote everyday. My love for journaling came in the power of writing. There was a power in the release of ink to the paper. I am sure thankful for technology these days because it still allows me to communicate or release although I cannot write like I use to. It has taking me this past year to mourn specific losses to my body. Everyday I consciously thought of entries but I couldn't get over the fact that I couldn't write anymore. This past year I also had to give up my heels. Do you know what that feels like to a woman who was born for heels? I felt like it took away my womanhood. I am grateful that I have a lasting memory from a co-worker in 2008 she told me I had a strong and beautiful walk. (surprising to her because I am a big hipped woman) That compliment gives me hope that one day I can have my swaggerish walk again, but for now I am trying to find my new identity. I love the Ellen Degeneris look but I have hips so I have to cross it with Sharon Osbourne or something.

One of my reasons for not writing was I didn't want to always talk about MS. I felt like if I talked about it, I was inviting it to stay. Truth is my life has become ( a Mom with MS) but I have found that this trial/journey/heartache isn't oh so bad as long as I stay on top of it. Recently my biggest challenges consist of me falling everyday. My body feels like a human punching bag and the tile is getting the best of the TKO's. These aren't like knees bending falling down,;falls. I somehow manage to make a simple walk to the dryer or the fridge a stunt mans playground for fun. I am bruised everywhere and hurt a lot of the time. I fall like a chopped tree and yet my shoes remain perfectly where I had been standing. I can't seem to turn corners and don't let anyone have a conversation with me as I pass because then my brain loses concentration and here I come. My parents and I tend to get a good laugh but this war zone called my body is hurting.

My boys who are 10 and 8 are good sports. I know they hate the fact that I have MS. Jaxson's only wish in life is for me not to have MS. Shakur doesn't think I am very fun anymore and that is partially my fault. I am sure in so many ways I stopped living life this past year because of the pain and the fact I couldn't drive, I don't want to burden others and the list goes on. Well I am back to driving so i don't have an excuse. I just forget to have fun. I am cheap and because I live on such a small income I tend to save for a rainy day or maybe a monsoon. Truth is I need to learn to dance in the rain. My boys and I went out the other night without any rules. We went to the arcade then frozen yogurt and then bowling. They had fun..and sure I was sad because I waited for my boys to get big so I could compete with them but then I realized it was just a blessing to be right there with them HIGH 5ing their accomplishments on the bowling alley.

Life has a funny way of showing us LIFE. I am in the best place I have ever been emotionally and spiritually. For me that counts for so much more than physically. I have to remind myself not to take for granted the opportunities right here before me. I have friends who run in honor for me, i have friends who pick me up if I can't drive, and have young boys who get in the kitchen and will make themselves dinner and parents who find time to laugh with me over my newest bruise. Now it is time to adopt a slogan just for me or just for my family. I will think about it because it needs to be one of a kind but for now " this is our crazy timbered life and we are living"

?who?

I just wanted to feel normal. I thought having years of history would allow me to lower my guard and step away from the disease the has overtaken my identity and life. It has been 1 years since we saw each other. He was never aware of the sufferings I endured. I now wonder did I say to much to help him be prepared or aware of who I am now.

My boys and I purchased salmon, shrimp and t-bone steak. asparagus being our side dish along with garlic bread. Mouth watering the meal planned for what I thought would be a special reunion. He was my last hope but yet again I found myself stood up and disappointed.

I recognized my time and attention should be more committed to my little men, so we hit the town. First arcade, next frozen yogurt ( yummy rebellion) last we finished the night off with bowling.

Since my diagnoses I find myself saying, " I can't" a lot. I find that Shakur is becoming a mirror image of who I am. I often lecture him to not adopt the " I can't" method yet I fail to set a good example. My kids need to be kids. Jaxson's only wish is for me to not have MS. I have to find a strength beyond my exterior to give my kids what they need. Sure the guy at the food counter gave me the eyes. It felt good to be looked at like that again but my focus is far from my needs but strictly to improve the quality of life for my children. The time I will have while they are still young.

When we have children I am sure most of us feel an undeniable sacrifice for our children. This drive or sacrifice allows me to see past my needs and empowers me to give my children all they might need for their development.

Challenging!! Yes, always.