Sunday, August 2, 2015

Come ,lets have a seat and talk....

My pain is outstanding... If I had someone to acknowledge my sufferings, I believe it would catapult my healing process.What amazes me is that down to the pinky finger -it hurts-
 Why would I need acknowledgement? you ask!
The thoughts and experience are so unbelievable; even mind boggling, therefore I feel the need to shout it from the roof tops. So. YES!! your frickin pinky finger can hurt!

Slow Down

In science and epistemology (the theory of knowledge), a paradigm / is a distinct set of concepts or thought patterns, including theories, research methods, postulates, and standards for what constitutes legitimate contributions to a field.


Frustrated, seeking, silent, listening, aware, alone, peaceful..the list and the adjectives go on and on.

Would I choose gratitude or complaint? I find that when the negative adjectives come in to play- I then need to look at self.

At this moment I feel stripped of anything I knew. I'm becoming a blank slate. there is a paradigm shift about to happen so I seek quiet places so that I can hear the answer. I loved who I was so why do the memories become faint. Who will I become? I feel inadequate yet I feel peace. No more tug of wars, no more. I am loosing those titles that once were and creating new ones. As I felt the walls closing in, and that my thoughts and words were my own; I thought I should not put the weight of my worries on another. I need that one scholar that can articulate my frustrations and protect my words until I come out of this- with answers....believe me when I say, my thoughts and feelings are intense and what better idea; other than flooding the papers. There is not another Human that should have to bear the weight of your burdens. Take the time to look within, if you are unsettled Go- and find that quiet place. First find a peace within yourself, don't let anyone rush your decisions. Seek the answer to who you are- make a list of adjectives that describe you each day-review the following month. look for patterns and answers..continue to read and educate yourself.

Genealogy, Journal, seek Knowledge, stay present with your disease and stay above it, renew your spirit each day, enjoy each day- to the fullest. Speak kind words or stay quiet and read kind words. Change your vocabulary.

Lead, Kindly Light

Lead, kindly light, amid the circling gloom; Lead thou me on!
The night is dark and I am far from home; Lead thou me on
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene-one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that thou shouldst lead me on
 I loved to choose and see my path; but now Lead thou me on
I loved the garrish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. remember not past years

So long the power blessed me, sure it still, Will lead me on
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, til, the night is gone.
and with the moren those angel faces smile,
which I have loved long since, the lost awhile

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Our focus

"Do we focus to much on what we lack rather than what we have received."?  "Are we quick to blame rather than seek answers and change."?

not sure..but it happened

slowly you ooze into my  presence each drop rains on me


As my friend Allison said " blogging for her was self-discovery". I remember when Alli and I reunited in California after years and years of not seeing each other. I remember her showing me her blog and how much of a release it was for her and she encouraged me to do the same. I was not computer or blog savvy and so her recommendation didn't come to life until years later.

I was always a journal writer but it usually was my struggles written down on paper. As I became comfortable with my single years I realized I was just a person who needed to release and then I felt better (good, bad or indifferent).

Before I was diagnosed with MS I began my spiritual journey and throughout this time of conversion I found the need to record it. I wanted my boys to read and understand me once they grew older. I wanted them to know my weaknesses and challenges but most importantly how I overcame each and every challenge. It is fun to look at my boys and see myself in each of them. The upside is I might be able to detect what their challenges might be and the downside is I might overcompensate their own little trials meant for them.

I began a blog when my hands became disabled and could no longer write. I had two strong fingers that allowed me to release my pain and confusion. All of this that I have gone through has been discovery and premium experience. I can finally say I can write again but prefer to Blog now and hopefully print this into a book for my babies. Can you imagine if we had some insight on our parents thoughts and journey's.

 I am in a good place now and I understand there is so much more to be revealed.

The few, the proud, and the complicated

Today I felt something so powerful and so magical. Truly I felt acknowledged by God. I have received so much strength through my trial of  M.S.  I often feel like I can do laps around my peers. Recently I have had some trials and surprisingly I found peace and strength to overcome each situation.
I am grateful for those who prepare their talks for church and the spirit leads them to touch lives; mine being one of them. An amazing musical number equal to opera brought me to tears today.

The election of 2012 just took place and for once in my 34 years I decided to be in tune with and learn as much as I could. I struggled to know my place in this world but when I found the party that was parallel to my needs, I found myself separated from a community I have always been apart of. When they say to vote, they say "vote for what is best for you". Soon after I wondered if it was a logical choice or a selfish choice. I had people namely my parents saying, "what about us and our retirement"? And I could not help but worry about each and every party involved. When is it our time in life that our choice is just that, "our choice". Many people had not done their own homework but parroted only what they had heard or come up with. I looked to so many conservatives to see "me" and then teach me but each one of them had an " I,I,I" outlook. When I spoke to many liberals or democrats they immediately gathered my info and told me what choice was best for me and why.

One Liberal in particular knew of my community and knew the outcome of my opposing decision but with encouragement, said "you can be the example". I suppose all my life I have stood out and chose differently; some choices good and some not so good.