I'll be there in a hurry

Getting motivated.. transform old habits into good.. what a challenge! I have a huge wall of stubborn misfit inside of me. Awkwardly it is my nature to rebel. Why? Why does this have to be my challenge in life? I am and have been settled into life. Content with my choices and progress but there is this little something inside of me that has to act out. Right now I don't have many ways to rebel so it ends up being with food. For one I don't have an appetite. Maybe it is my thyroid and MS meds or maybe it is just me. I have a hard time eating so I tend to just snack. Well snacks usually aren't within the 5 food groups; at least not the ones placed before me. So granted I had a health scare and some obnoxious set backs but I just can't drop the weight I gained from these situations. You know what I hate? I hate that I am even talking about my weight in this manner. I have always been a thick woman but never was I insecure with my body shape, until now. I have never been a dieter but now it looks as though I have joined a new group within society. There are limits to my physical activities. Part of me is bound by fear; fear of the pain that follows or the weakness and disability within my body. I have a little guy on one shoulder saying "there are no limits to where you go" and the other voice " saying don't do it, you will pay for it with pain". I weened myself off of my pain meds because I could not handle how it altered my brain. I felt a constant fog which took away feeling and my thought processing. All my life i have been a thinker and a feeler so this was not o.k. or comfortable for me to be in a state of obscurity.

This summer I am headed to Star Valley, WY. I have the chance to make good healthy choices; without to many distractions. I will be surrounded by majestic mountains. I am hoping I can fight my stubborn ways and overcome this weight that haunts me. I have a lot of family there so I am hoping to get them on my side so they can push me to my goal. Having family can go good or bad. Family equals celebration, food, long visits and so on.

Truly I am grateful that weight is my challenge right now. I have overcome disabilities and set backs. So it is funny to me that I cry about my weight. I sit here and smile that this is my biggest challenge right now.

There are many things I am grateful for mainly the feeling of comfort I receive from a loving God. I love to tap into my inner Marvin Gaye and belt out the appropriate song for my life which is "Aint No Mountain High Enough". I love to sing this to that girl I know I am suppose to become.

"There ain't no mountain high enough,
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you"

I love the fight in me! I am just learning to fight for what matters.

Tough as nails

I just caught my breath as I look back on last week. Feeling like I just got out alive..barely! Funny how we wonder how we will make it through and yet again the following week it feels like there is life's next nightmare. arggh! I want to know who is manning this operation. They need to understand I must relax so that I can get better. -NOPE- instead I am pushed each week to the brim.

All this talk of ask for help.. it is great to get help but I exhaust myself finding the person who has the energy and the schedule to pull off another persons needs outside of their own. Life has a way of jumping out on you just when you think you have everything in control.. just when you are ready to wrap yourself in your snuggy and crawl into your favorite spot and just relax.

So since i am stubborn maybe even bull headed I have the will to fight. Many people overcome tragedy and illness with a good fight; so why can't I? I don't feel like resting nor do I feel like asking for help..ummm you didn't hear me say that! But really now I have 2 young boys that are "we need you right now" kind of boys. Where is the rest in that? Well there just isn't so cross your fingers that I don't drive myself into the ground :). -I have faith-

I dreamed of being a boxer and a dancer. Now I feel like the only thing I am fighting is my dreams.

Where am I?

Where am I right now? I feel in limbo..seeking purpose. I was always a career Mom. I liked having specific purpose and although it became exhausting with 2 kids it made me whole. Now that i am not working I find motivation and stamina a conflict. I get that my body is not 100% yet I want to function at 110%. What a conflict. Being forced to relax seems so foolish for me to feel this way. Have you ever sabotaged success because it is an unfamiliar place? Well that is where I am right now. I could work towards weight loss and improving my health: but NO my mind doesn't want that. I know if I work just a little a day towards my goal that fire with finally light inside of me. I feel every time I start something kicks me back down. There is success in overcoming those barriers but I just have to find the strength one more time. I am often inspired by those that surround me. I need to surround myself with strong, surviving women.

I have a son who treats me like I treated my Mom. He is only 7 so this should be fun. I can say humility and foot in my mouth. As I reflect on Mothers day I find that my heart needs to be softened. I have been asked to talk in church on Mothers Day. I suppose doing all the research got me thinking. I often dreaded the date because it caused me to reflect on my failures instead of my accomplishments. As I write my talk I figure I will speak to the women who might share my similar pain or those women who aren't yet Mothers. I understand being a Mother comes in all variations. Being a single parent there have been many that have helped me along the way. I will call on my Lord to guide me through these trying times. I am fortunate to have this opportunity to reflect.