Praise Him!

I see light at the end of the tunnel! Short and sweet and full of good news. Today started out like a nightmare. But I am happy to report my late Christmas present happened to be my first steroid treatment. Let's just say this morning was pure hell and most of the events following aren't to pretty to talk about. Like I said I see the light and I just want to tell you how that feels.

We just experienced a 3 day rain storm. Non-stop rain and for the Vegas Desert it usually doesn't go down like that. It seemed as though most people were getting depressed by this unforgiving storm. Most people that live here came to escape those ferocious storms they experienced in their home state. When the clouds broke after that 3 day storm the air had a sort of song. You could feel the energy of the universe change. It combined the spirits of my fellow Nevadans and you could just feel this instant change... Birds singing or maybe even angels.

Well guess what my birds are singing today. I have only started a small dose and will continue on. My pain.. the pain that runs through the core of my body and inhibits movement in my arms: I have been released and I feel free. Slighty I feel a sort of pain but at this point the relief I feel makes me want to run a Marathon.. ok- maybe not just yet. My legs were feeling like Gumby but each step is starting to feel like a solid steel rod is in place... (release of a deep breath). I look forward to whats to come and it gives me hope to fight. The clouds have cleared and my birds are singing.. Maybe that will be my next tattoo :) ok I wont get carried away.

I want to cry out and tell people stop taking life for granted. Appreciate all that surrounds you. Just getting a fork or spoon to my mouth was not an option this morning. Please see your worth and the miracles of every day living.

I know I am ranting and maybe I won't always have this enthusiasm. Sure it's easy to get tripped up but for now I will bathe in my miracle. Live Love Laugh

Over - n - out

from me**

The weight of my feather

Our pain can seem never ending. As I have grown with life choices, experiences and my many storms I find myself just letting go of those many little things that seemed valuable and worth fighting for. Just when I think I have caught my breath and the light is shining from the Heavens I am again taken by surprise.

I keep having this visual of me in Heaven. It goes something like this. God: O.k. my children I have a special task for when you arrive on Earth and I will need a strong, valiant, volunteer. Me: Oh Pick Me!..Pick me!..(waving my hand fervently). Some how I can't help but think this happened a few to many times.

I have suffered from illness for many years well approximately 9 years. Unfortunately my reason for not treating sooner is due to no insurance. Finally this year I have experienced many miracles and one major one is running into my old school mate Dr. Kevin Dunsmoor. Finally! I have insurance and I am able to have a name to that which has haunted me.

A few days ago I received the results that I have MS. When I first went for testing I was not experiencing a whole lot of symptoms just some imbalances. My situation has worsened and I am in a lot of pain. I am exhausted and emotional and find every task carrying the weight of the world. This week I am learning the word NO.. (back to my toddler years), I guess!. No I can't cause right now, most importantly I have to survive the emotional, physical, mental, struggles of Multiple Sclerosis.

My biggest struggle is that I feel alone and the further this continues the more I isolate myself. I have always had a hard time asking for help. I tend to not want to burden or depress people with my sadness or struggles. I have always had a fight in me from a young age. I always had to out do the boys and fight to the bloody end. Guess this a good quality when fighting disease but I find it hard to tap into my inner super woman. Truth is I am sad, I am weak and I feel a lot of sorrow. I put on that strong face for my kids, family and friends but really I want to crawl into a corner and cry myself to sleep or maybe even a little coma ( I don't want to miss to much growing time of my little guys).

Speaking of little guys.. God has blessed me with strong independent young men. They are only 6 and 9 yet they comfort me, protect me and take care of me. Maybe more than I can do for them. I am sad because I want to give them the childhood they deserve but feel sometimes God gives them trials and they have to grow faster than they might want. For now life has slowed way down and we spend a lot of time resting and watching movies together. Cuddle time is essential.
Nature is often hidden, sometimes overcome, seldom extinguished.
To get through my pain and stress I started Music Therapy. A collection of music similar to Enya. My M.S. likes soft and gentle music tones and this helps me to let go of my minds stress. I started baths today which were comforting but found it terribly hard to get out. So I might have to pass on that. Janelle has a jacuzzi so when the muscles are angry I will have to call her. In the future I want to find a support group. People who just understand, might allow me to release some of the sadness inside without it weighing their life down. Although I can hardly write with a pen I can manage to type so I will journal here for now. I am hopeful but sad for now.

Honor Our Parents

"Honor our parents" has a new meaning to me. Jaxson is now 9 and Shakur is 6 we are in the beginning stages of school years and personality challenges. I watch in awe as my boys grow and develop their personalities. I love to imagine what kind of men they will grow to be. How they will manage work, families and life.

Jaxson has always been sensitive to his surroundings. He is in tune with everyone's needs and has a gift with meeting everyone with a kind and nurturing heart. Shakur with his famous saying " I live to love" its the truth; he is pure in heart and unconditional. He strives to have everyone smiling and entertained. Of course there is so much more to them these are just their simple surface personalities that are easy to see and describe. As their mother I would love to take all the credit and say I raised them to be so amazing but truth is I know that these are gifts from God. This is God's technical engineering to guide them through their paths of life. They are blessed with a combined synergy that will support one another for the rest of their lives.

Each day our family transforms and with each growing moment I find myself mocking my Mother's words. Each time I tell my kids the words my mother once yelled..I get this slight cringe in my neck* I mean told to me (shh she never yelled) . I cringe because I use to think, how could she be so uptight and upset? Life just wasn't that serious! Well , well guess who gets it now. Yep, I get it. I recall loving to listen to this rock band called U2 and my Mother and I were in the car and she patiently listened to most of the c.d until the song Sunday bloody Sunday came on. "Sunday Bloody Sunday" is noted for its militaristic drumbeat, harsh guitar, and melodic harmonies.This is when her fuse blew and she yelled at me to turn it off. It has nearly been 16 years since that day but for some reason I never forgot how that made me feel. I just wanted her to like my music. Here I am 32 now and as much as I love U2 I don't think I could stand to sit through the song myself. I chuckle every time I feel this way about a song my boys want to listen to cause I recall this day with my Mom over and over. At this point I have many of these "Mom said it before me" experiences. It has created many moments of humility and self reflection. This for me gives new meaning to " honor thy parents".

Master your life!

And it only just begins. Sometimes...ok.. a lot of times I feel like the odds are against me. Let me inform you at this time I am in the best of spirits and feel very positive about my future but I have a need to just express myself at this moment.

My challenges are complex and diverse but somehow when I feel all is lost I somehow pull through and look back and say " -really- I made it through".

I am a dreamer and a planner. This keeps me driven and optimistic. I will tell you no matter how much I planned and how hard I worked I was never ready for the past 10 years of my life. If you know me personally or have known my family you will understand that for me to be standing, or in good health or to have any light of life left in me is a bit of a miracle at this time. I could not have prepared nor was my family prepared to help me through the woes of the past few years.

The repercussions of divorce or a broken home can be enough to send you through emotional warfare. The pain we carry for our children's little broken hearts can be enough to swallow us alive. I have been through many battles to protect, to love and to carry my children through these years but the trials are never ending and exhausting. Without ever remarrying, the weight of the world continues to be solely on my shoulders. The world surrounding me has become a vampire and I do everything I can to just find peace and solace to re-energize my batteries only to make it through just another day. It is easy to ask yourself " what am I living for; if all my living days are pain"? I suppose that was my reason for being lost and broken for so many years because I lived my life without the Lord as my center.

A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master — gardener of his soul, the director of his life. ~

*Purpose* ..we have one.. Just takes us all a different spectrum of time to find what that purpose is. As for me my journey is steady and revealing. I find more to live for and refuse to run from that which I can't bear. Some days I feel like I am on a cruise liner other days standing in front of a semi. My cryptonyte is knowing I have overcome one of my fears, let go of a horrible habit, inherited a valuable quality or my favorite gentle loving gestures from my boys which they offer me when there is nothing left in me. When you understand there is value in life you find each day to master life's journey.

14 hours..yowzers

-14 hours- I just spent the last 14 hours sleeping. Call me lazy but a moms got to do what a moms got to do. Luckily I have a patient, self sufficient son who enjoys the quiet sleeping moments also. Shakur was always my cuddle bug as a baby. He would lay in bed with me all day as long as he was just with me. So this morning or nearly this afternoon I wake to him watching the old classic Christmas cartoons and chomping on cereal. As I got up and realized the time he says " I got a good nights sleep Mom". I am sure he slept pretty late himself. My back doesn't like me to sleep more than 8 hours so i was in a lot of pain. Shakur did the honors of walking and sitting on my back to relieve some pain. I laid over my chase lounge and finally got it to pop.
So what is it we will do with the rest of our day. Originally Shakur said he wants to sit in his undies all day and watch movies but then he got a little creative and made Granny a Christmas tree for her house. His great-grandparents are older and all they really have is Shakur so they don't do a whole lot of celebrating (they are in their late 70's). So he made them a tree to put up in their home along with a wreath he gave them already. So now he decided to get dressed and go run wild in the neighborhood. As for me I would love to just lay here and watch movies but I have to pack, pack, pack. We are getting ready to move. I am sad because we have really loved this house and the boys neighborhood friends. This neighborhood was safe for the boys to run off and play especially the neighborhood park behind us that really only my kids utilized and their friends Matthew and Sir 2 little boys who were polite, well behaved and had manners. So once again we set our sails and look forward to the road in front of us.

Simply Simple, right?

It's simple right? Remember this, you must be a master of task management. -Sacrifice- is first nature to you. You have to allow luxury to be the thing of the past or hopefully the future. Although you manage life with 2 arms and 2 legs you have to somehow make it appear as if you had 10 of each. Elementary school is something you will have to repeat maybe a few times over. You get the opportunity to not only brush 20 of your own teeth but many more with out having the title of Doctor. Many tasks of such unique human order has been documented, congratulated and a lot of times forgotten. We live a life of rush, rush, rush and then we realize sometimes after the fact or maybe when it is to late how we should have carefully taken each task as a marvelous mission in life.



"A mother is she who can take the place of all others
but whose place no one else can take."
-- Cardinal Mermillod

I smile when I think about Cat in the Hat along with Thing 1 and Thing 2 maybe even inspector gadget (go-go gadget arms). I only wish my day could begin like many of those stories; wait it does. If only I had their magic at the end of the day to whip everything back into shape. I dream of Jeannie, really I do. Fold my arms and blink my eyes , these should be added to God's world of love and mystery. To bad there isn't extra-credit or a bonus round where we could earn such things.

For now I find comfort in my kids arms. I tend to get separation anxiety if they are not by my side. Perfection- is the mirage in my mind so I will just wait until they are gone to keep my house the way I would love for it to be. I won't pass up their goofy dance competitions or their back seat conversation of girlfriends at age 6 and 8. Their uncontrollable laughter when making quality 3rd grade jokes. The way their eyes connect with mine and simply, most preciously they confess their love for me.

Will I ever have a greater title that pulls me to shreds but overflows me in the end? Probably not. So I am nestling in here for now and taking each day with a spoon full of sugar.