The weight of my feather

Our pain can seem never ending. As I have grown with life choices, experiences and my many storms I find myself just letting go of those many little things that seemed valuable and worth fighting for. Just when I think I have caught my breath and the light is shining from the Heavens I am again taken by surprise.

I keep having this visual of me in Heaven. It goes something like this. God: O.k. my children I have a special task for when you arrive on Earth and I will need a strong, valiant, volunteer. Me: Oh Pick Me!..Pick me!..(waving my hand fervently). Some how I can't help but think this happened a few to many times.

I have suffered from illness for many years well approximately 9 years. Unfortunately my reason for not treating sooner is due to no insurance. Finally this year I have experienced many miracles and one major one is running into my old school mate Dr. Kevin Dunsmoor. Finally! I have insurance and I am able to have a name to that which has haunted me.

A few days ago I received the results that I have MS. When I first went for testing I was not experiencing a whole lot of symptoms just some imbalances. My situation has worsened and I am in a lot of pain. I am exhausted and emotional and find every task carrying the weight of the world. This week I am learning the word NO.. (back to my toddler years), I guess!. No I can't cause right now, most importantly I have to survive the emotional, physical, mental, struggles of Multiple Sclerosis.

My biggest struggle is that I feel alone and the further this continues the more I isolate myself. I have always had a hard time asking for help. I tend to not want to burden or depress people with my sadness or struggles. I have always had a fight in me from a young age. I always had to out do the boys and fight to the bloody end. Guess this a good quality when fighting disease but I find it hard to tap into my inner super woman. Truth is I am sad, I am weak and I feel a lot of sorrow. I put on that strong face for my kids, family and friends but really I want to crawl into a corner and cry myself to sleep or maybe even a little coma ( I don't want to miss to much growing time of my little guys).

Speaking of little guys.. God has blessed me with strong independent young men. They are only 6 and 9 yet they comfort me, protect me and take care of me. Maybe more than I can do for them. I am sad because I want to give them the childhood they deserve but feel sometimes God gives them trials and they have to grow faster than they might want. For now life has slowed way down and we spend a lot of time resting and watching movies together. Cuddle time is essential.
Nature is often hidden, sometimes overcome, seldom extinguished.
To get through my pain and stress I started Music Therapy. A collection of music similar to Enya. My M.S. likes soft and gentle music tones and this helps me to let go of my minds stress. I started baths today which were comforting but found it terribly hard to get out. So I might have to pass on that. Janelle has a jacuzzi so when the muscles are angry I will have to call her. In the future I want to find a support group. People who just understand, might allow me to release some of the sadness inside without it weighing their life down. Although I can hardly write with a pen I can manage to type so I will journal here for now. I am hopeful but sad for now.