...Even your spinach

Ponder..wait...pray..wait..cry and wait

I am forever seeking. Seeking my meaning. Ideally I had something else in mind. I was only taught one way but yet that way became a path I was not familiar with. I often wonder did I choose this path or is it the path that was handed to me. I am not on the cookie cutter path instead I am searching everywhere just to find the ingredients. I once was lost but I want to be found. I feel in transition. A feeling of being spun 100 times with the blind fold on.. stopped and now I have to walk that chosen path. I have what it takes within me.. it was always there... I just have to find my footing to continue on. I am not sure if i have any obvious distractions other than myself. It is a good thing I write cause I have to go back and visit myself just to find that strength. Oh how it is easy to forget. Imagine the labor we go through to birth a child or the painful road for those who just find that path to be a parent. Somewhere along the way there is pain,sadness and misery but in an instance the pain is gone when we fulfill the fruits of our labors.

Maintaining that strength by far is the biggest challenge. Accessing all the tools necessary to fight through just one more moment of one more day. How long should we try? When do we know the effort is good enough. I am like a small child desperately seeking approval. Approval creates motivation and security for me. As I read about my past in my journals I find it easy to approve of that person I read about. So why is it so hard to do in the moment each day? I am a person of reason and meaning. Without a role to play I lose my abilities. What role can a divorced mother of 2; crippling with pain of MS play? This has become my challenge; to seek "me". I must seek the unknown to find meaning.

Of course I have flashes of what I imagined life would be like. I then have flashes of the road I took that changed the course. Finally I just look at me now. It haunts me as if looking at an old picture where once I felt fat. Now I pick that picture up and say "I was so beautiful I wish I could be her again". I think "if I only I knew that what would I have made her become".We have the opportunity to find beauty in the moment but we will be disappointed if we seek anywhere other than within ourselves.

Beautiful is gliding with each step.
Beautiful is weather that allows us to enjoy our family on a spring day in the park.
Beautiful is a family pulling together in the time of tragedy.
Beautiful is having someone tell you they are proud of you.
Beautiful is being recognized, acknowledged and loved.
Beautiful is the simple act of giving.
Beautiful is to experience love.

Love absolutely everything that happens in your life you wont regret it....