Our focus

"Do we focus to much on what we lack rather than what we have received."?  "Are we quick to blame rather than seek answers and change."?

not sure..but it happened

slowly you ooze into my  presence each drop rains on me

self...

As my friend Allison said " blogging for her was self-discovery". I remember when Alli and I reunited in California after years and years of not seeing each other. I remember her showing me her blog and how much of a release it was for her and she encouraged me to do the same. I was not computer or blog savvy and so her recommendation didn't come to life until years later.

I was always a journal writer but it usually was my struggles written down on paper. As I became comfortable with my single years I realized I was just a person who needed to release and then I felt better (good, bad or indifferent).

Before I was diagnosed with MS I began my spiritual journey and throughout this time of conversion I found the need to record it. I wanted my boys to read and understand me once they grew older. I wanted them to know my weaknesses and challenges but most importantly how I overcame each and every challenge. It is fun to look at my boys and see myself in each of them. The upside is I might be able to detect what their challenges might be and the downside is I might overcompensate their own little trials meant for them.

I began a blog when my hands became disabled and could no longer write. I had two strong fingers that allowed me to release my pain and confusion. All of this that I have gone through has been discovery and premium experience. I can finally say I can write again but prefer to Blog now and hopefully print this into a book for my babies. Can you imagine if we had some insight on our parents thoughts and journey's.

 I am in a good place now and I understand there is so much more to be revealed.

The few, the proud, and the complicated

Today I felt something so powerful and so magical. Truly I felt acknowledged by God. I have received so much strength through my trial of  M.S.  I often feel like I can do laps around my peers. Recently I have had some trials and surprisingly I found peace and strength to overcome each situation.
I am grateful for those who prepare their talks for church and the spirit leads them to touch lives; mine being one of them. An amazing musical number equal to opera brought me to tears today.

The election of 2012 just took place and for once in my 34 years I decided to be in tune with and learn as much as I could. I struggled to know my place in this world but when I found the party that was parallel to my needs, I found myself separated from a community I have always been apart of. When they say to vote, they say "vote for what is best for you". Soon after I wondered if it was a logical choice or a selfish choice. I had people namely my parents saying, "what about us and our retirement"? And I could not help but worry about each and every party involved. When is it our time in life that our choice is just that, "our choice". Many people had not done their own homework but parroted only what they had heard or come up with. I looked to so many conservatives to see "me" and then teach me but each one of them had an " I,I,I" outlook. When I spoke to many liberals or democrats they immediately gathered my info and told me what choice was best for me and why.

One Liberal in particular knew of my community and knew the outcome of my opposing decision but with encouragement, said "you can be the example". I suppose all my life I have stood out and chose differently; some choices good and some not so good.

???

Self centered? Stuck? Naive? Foolish? Trapped? Uneducated? Common Behavior and fear?

Why does it feel like I am a puzzle piece trying to fit in the wrong puzzle? Why is it that I know I am designated yet I am not positioned.

for instance when I date
things can be spectacular and in the same breath
-fear boils inside of me

I am starting to believe the closer someone gets to me

I then begin my process

of...

and you know the rest

In my religion we are taught to feel, I believe (my words) more so than we are taught to see facts

this is my interpretation...

but I am trying to understand why...

I always have to feel yet I am not trained to use logic

Is it my family dynamics or is it the culture of my religious experience?

why the hell am I like this?

Fear of rejection

I have a whole heart to give but...

History shows that doesn't work for me

it is almost like I have to play a cat and mouse game

to stay ahead

I want to be simple and protected

I get so wrapped up in someones presence to the point I feel lost without them.

Keeping it simple and airy..Life is like a box of chocolates if you eat to many you get to heavy. I have carried the weight of the world for to long. I find it funny the process of maturity slowly our eyes are opened

Filled with guilt and contention. I understand my spirit is in turmoil therefore polluting those that surround me. I understand that when my finger gets to pointing I am somehow silently suffering. I need to look inside myself and find my sufferings and weakness so that I can do what it takes to pull the layers of hurt and pain. My confidence is low therefore I feel as though I am under microscope and I am being judged. There is a pressure of perfection; a reality which is challenging to reach.

I have to often ask myself where that pressure of perfection is coming from. I have always wanted to please my parents maybe even stand out above my siblings so that I am acknowledged in a positive light. Is it competition or a desire to improve myself? I am motivated by competition but this is a time that I must make things right for myself not for my parents approval.

Repentance comes to mind for mine actions against others. I have a commitment to love unconditionally and to see all for the good they offer whether it be for me or others. Pride and criticism seem to be my weakness. So easily I forget my shortcomings and so quickly I judge.

Today on Fathers Day I will think of my Heavenly Father and I will recommit my resolutions and I will find joy in service to my Lord. It is my duty to keep my heart cleansed and to share my heart and testimony with others. My weaknesses are also my strength. I shall commit myself to choose the strength in light of my weaknesses.

Do not wait for the God to humble you. Humility earned and worked for is much more gratifying.

Ephesian 4:29
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

Happy Fathers Day!

Where do we find our fire and desire? Do we have a cause we fight for? This week I have seen people fight for life through weight loss, young kids fight for their dream to sing, a young refugee fight for education, a mother fight for peace and love for her daughter and a woman fight for the life of mountain gorillas. I guess all of this inspiration got me thinking. What is my heart's desire? What is my passion in life?

Shakur

March 30th we celebrated Shakur's 8th birthday. March 31st we also had the opportunity to witness Shakur get baptized. The morning seemed to start out with turmoil and contention for Shakur. He was fighting with his brother and had a hard time having a good attitude. I patiently directed him towards better choices and did my best to keep him from feeling down on himself. I crossed my fingers and said a little prayer to give him peace so that we could make it to the baptism with positive results. When it came time to get going I found him sitting outside in a lawn chair. Shakur is a sweet spirit and he has found peace with nature and quiet places. I know his ability to recognize God's good nature will protect him later in his life.

His baptism was a great experience because you could see how much he was loved. I did not invite to many people other than our family due to the conference weekend and beginning of spring break. They had announced his baptism in Sacrament and many people had showed up for his baptism. the room was filled with many people that Love Shakur. Chris had the opportunity to baptize Shakur and Eric confirmed him. Eric gave Shakur the most beautiful confirmation and blessing. From the blessing I found the Lord saying how the scouting program will be very important in his growth as a boy and man. Working towards getting his Eagle is something we can all as a family help support Shakur to get. He will also have a duty to go on a mission and touch many lives in many places also outside of the country. He will marry in the temple. As a mother these blessings bring comfort and peace when you know your children will be blessed in this manner.

March 16-2012

So happy for today. I have so much on my plate but I am excited for a few new beginnings. Shakur is done with public school for now and I have taken on the challenge to home school him. He has fallen behind in reading and it has caused his self esteem to drop and he just can't catch up with the rest of the class. The class size is 21 kids and Shakur really needs some steady support. He takes voice lessons which is building his confidence. (we love Marie Leatham)! He will start scouts in April and I felt peace and comfort with my decision. So many people have stepped forward and offered their help and support. I was overwhelmed and stressed last night and my boys recognizing how I felt, reached out to me and comforted me with hugs and kisses. I am blessed by God and I have no doubts about the direction I am headed. I feel good that I made a grown up decision on my own and for once I felt peace and goodness from it. I try so hard to be in tune with my boys. I try hard to meet their individual needs. I understand my needs are sacrificed but it is worth it. My boys are extremely protective over me and they don't like the idea of me dating.

Mystery

Stamina, persistent, patience. serving, encouraging, loving and has not forgotten every moment he has spent with me. I am talking about the one guy who accepts me right where I am at in life. The one guy who has faith enough to see through my MS and disabilities. He encourages life and spirituality. He puts up with my strong personality and almost encourages it because he likes strength. He has a love for life and he is a visionary man. He drives me crazy and I am not always attracted to him but there are so many more qualities that match mine. I can tell him exactly how I am feeling good, bad or ugly and he can take it in and give back something positive. My favorite thing about him is how he loves and cares for my boys without stepping on my toes. He teaches them how to be gentleman and also how to treat their Mom right. He has so much energy and loves to go go go.

Sweetness!

Life and my health is becoming positive and healthy. I am able to see the sweetness of my boys through the grace of God. Things had been a struggle for the past year with my health and it put a lot of weight on many peoples shoulders, especially my 2 little boys. Recently I have been doing everything I can with Shakur because he seemed to be suffering the most. Truth is I am all he has other than Grandmas and he carried a fear that I would die or that I was to sick to take care of him. A mothers love has no end. I would sacrifice anything for my 2 sweet boys. Lately Shakur has been writing love notes. It is the sweetest thing because he will fold it and then throw it on my lap top. It can easily be mistaken for garbage so I don't realize at first the folded piece of paper is meant for me. He will leave the room and then come back in and say " Geez Mom did you not even see that paper." He He I love it! he is so sweet and so funny. He loves me so much. Last night he walked over and handed me a piece of paper and he says "now write and tell your Dad you love him." I wrote my Dad a note and he says "Mom you could have written more than that." I am grateful to God for allowing me to be healthy at this time and to be able to give those around me relief especially my 2 sweet boys. I am so lucky to be a mother and to experience unconditional love. A child has so much to teach an adult if only we can open our eyes. They can take you away from the world's troubles with one sweet little gesture. I love, because my two babies love me.

Shuffle-step

Yowzers!! I only had 35 entries last year. Crazy coming from a girl that wrote everyday. My love for journaling came in the power of writing. There was a power in the release of ink to the paper. I am sure thankful for technology these days because it still allows me to communicate or release although I cannot write like I use to. It has taking me this past year to mourn specific losses to my body. Everyday I consciously thought of entries but I couldn't get over the fact that I couldn't write anymore. This past year I also had to give up my heels. Do you know what that feels like to a woman who was born for heels? I felt like it took away my womanhood. I am grateful that I have a lasting memory from a co-worker in 2008 she told me I had a strong and beautiful walk. (surprising to her because I am a big hipped woman) That compliment gives me hope that one day I can have my swaggerish walk again, but for now I am trying to find my new identity. I love the Ellen Degeneris look but I have hips so I have to cross it with Sharon Osbourne or something.

One of my reasons for not writing was I didn't want to always talk about MS. I felt like if I talked about it, I was inviting it to stay. Truth is my life has become ( a Mom with MS) but I have found that this trial/journey/heartache isn't oh so bad as long as I stay on top of it. Recently my biggest challenges consist of me falling everyday. My body feels like a human punching bag and the tile is getting the best of the TKO's. These aren't like knees bending falling down,;falls. I somehow manage to make a simple walk to the dryer or the fridge a stunt mans playground for fun. I am bruised everywhere and hurt a lot of the time. I fall like a chopped tree and yet my shoes remain perfectly where I had been standing. I can't seem to turn corners and don't let anyone have a conversation with me as I pass because then my brain loses concentration and here I come. My parents and I tend to get a good laugh but this war zone called my body is hurting.

My boys who are 10 and 8 are good sports. I know they hate the fact that I have MS. Jaxson's only wish in life is for me not to have MS. Shakur doesn't think I am very fun anymore and that is partially my fault. I am sure in so many ways I stopped living life this past year because of the pain and the fact I couldn't drive, I don't want to burden others and the list goes on. Well I am back to driving so i don't have an excuse. I just forget to have fun. I am cheap and because I live on such a small income I tend to save for a rainy day or maybe a monsoon. Truth is I need to learn to dance in the rain. My boys and I went out the other night without any rules. We went to the arcade then frozen yogurt and then bowling. They had fun..and sure I was sad because I waited for my boys to get big so I could compete with them but then I realized it was just a blessing to be right there with them HIGH 5ing their accomplishments on the bowling alley.

Life has a funny way of showing us LIFE. I am in the best place I have ever been emotionally and spiritually. For me that counts for so much more than physically. I have to remind myself not to take for granted the opportunities right here before me. I have friends who run in honor for me, i have friends who pick me up if I can't drive, and have young boys who get in the kitchen and will make themselves dinner and parents who find time to laugh with me over my newest bruise. Now it is time to adopt a slogan just for me or just for my family. I will think about it because it needs to be one of a kind but for now " this is our crazy timbered life and we are living"

?who?

I just wanted to feel normal. I thought having years of history would allow me to lower my guard and step away from the disease the has overtaken my identity and life. It has been 1 years since we saw each other. He was never aware of the sufferings I endured. I now wonder did I say to much to help him be prepared or aware of who I am now.

My boys and I purchased salmon, shrimp and t-bone steak. asparagus being our side dish along with garlic bread. Mouth watering the meal planned for what I thought would be a special reunion. He was my last hope but yet again I found myself stood up and disappointed.

I recognized my time and attention should be more committed to my little men, so we hit the town. First arcade, next frozen yogurt ( yummy rebellion) last we finished the night off with bowling.

Since my diagnoses I find myself saying, " I can't" a lot. I find that Shakur is becoming a mirror image of who I am. I often lecture him to not adopt the " I can't" method yet I fail to set a good example. My kids need to be kids. Jaxson's only wish is for me to not have MS. I have to find a strength beyond my exterior to give my kids what they need. Sure the guy at the food counter gave me the eyes. It felt good to be looked at like that again but my focus is far from my needs but strictly to improve the quality of life for my children. The time I will have while they are still young.

When we have children I am sure most of us feel an undeniable sacrifice for our children. This drive or sacrifice allows me to see past my needs and empowers me to give my children all they might need for their development.

Challenging!! Yes, always.