Crossroads

Crossroads of life. Life lived without regret. When and how do we make a decision that might steer us from a choice of comfort and stability to stand on what feels like a ledge of uncertainty. 2 roads both having positive outcomes one leaving me vulnerable but creating greater opportunity.

Life is made of choices
It's not a trick of fate
We wake up every morning
To a fresh, clean slate
Like a never ending road
Our journey is our own
No one can take it for us
We have to walk alone

It's not a roll of the dice
Or luck on our side
It's the mountains we climb
The sins we can't hide
It's trusting in the Lord
To show you the way
To give you strength and courage
To live another day

Life is full of crossroads
We choose which path we take
We pray we walk the right one
In decisions that we make
Some roads are dark and lonely
Others show joy and light
On a wing and a prayer
Will you travel left or right?

(c) Linda Hill 2005

Pat your head and rub your belly!

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. –Bill Cosby

Does this affect me in any way?

Yes it does.

In a big way!

It stops me. It limits me. I don’t do things because of it!

Sometimes I hesitate, or don’t do something because I am not sure of how somebody else will receive it. I wonder, what will somebody think of me. Is this good enough for them?

Is it good enough for me?!

That should be the question I ask myself. If I like it, that’s a good enough reason for doing it.

Try to please yourself. To like yourself. To have faith in yourself.

When I start thinking about others and their reaction to what I do, that limits me, that puts pressure on me that I have to overcome.I know. I should be stronger. But sometimes I am not. Or sometimes I give in to that “external” influence. And that’s what’s wrong with trying to please everybody.

Trying to please everybody might stop you from doing anything!

So what’s better?

If something that you do pleases yourself, then that should be enough.

I understand this has been my weakness and struggle and has kept me from truly living. So mark my words I will soon master this. Not only will I choose that which makes me happy but I will choose that which makes my Lord happy. With that being said, I imagine I will find peace and revelation.

It's never a chore

We are extraordinary at climax. Every song is our family anthem. Often times our dancing is not rehearsed it is purged from each limb as if it is necessary for survival. Music is our bird song and dancing is our flight and freedom.

I have always had a love for dancing and music from a young age. You could catch me choreographing dance moves in my room with friends. I lived to dance but never had the opportunity to be a part of a professional group. After I had Jaxson I felt I should join a dance team or get some training. I was worried that I would get older and never live my dream. You are never to old to dance. My dance group was made up of girls ranging in age from 6 to 16. Can you imagine me and this young girl group as a team. ha ha ha. I belly laugh thinking about it but nobody could take my love from me. The one thing that kept me going is our dance teacher she was well over 65 but her heart was 21. I admired her enthusiasm and her skill she made me push further. Never was I allowed to mutter the word I can't because she would be on her way to show me how it was done.

When my nieces were young they spent a lot of time with me. They were my Ginnie Pigs. We had so much fun dancing and if you ask them what their memories are of me they will say making up dance routines. I started my boys young also. If the music was on I was moving. Dance, dance, dance I would tell them. Jaxson gets better everyday we had to break him of his stiff like coordination. Now he is practically tearing it up like John Travolta. Shakur oh wow! this boy is a natural and can move to anything. He makes body parts move that you didn't even know a 6 year old had. He really should be on Broadway or some professional setting because it just come so natural to him. This really makes me happy that my boys share a same love or passion with me. It makes us unique and fun and it really makes for living here together a joy.

Saturday I worked with the boys on doing chores around the house. They are getting older and so I felt it was time to add another chore to the list. I gave them instructions on how to clean our small down stairs bathroom. It was fun showing them how I use to clean as a child. I feel if you show joy for the things you do your children will carry on the same joy and or enthusiasm. I wanted to share a day in the life of our family. I am blessed to have 2 boys with a love for life and a love for me. ENJOY!

As we grow

This evening I had dinner at Mom and Dad's. My Mom has a screamin enchilada recipe. Both the boys and I had our fair share of helpings and packed a lunch for tomorrow. My favorite part about dinner was our conversation. I loved the fact that we sat as a family and talked about each one of our strengths. We spent time listening and contributing to the conversation. Mostly we talked about what impressed us at church and how we might prepare for any down turn in the economy. I have a strong testimony of not living beyond your means and ridding yourself of all things both expensive and distracting. You can say I have an addiction to making and saving money. Addiction normally is used in negative light but in this case it is an extreme blessing. This desire to save and protect my family or financial situation is talked about so much it is starting to rub off on those around me. Society has a way of making us feel as if we need or can't live with out certain things of life. I am guilty of living this way or spending more money because I didn't plan or prepare in advance. House of order has weighed heavy on my mind. I find that it takes more energy to play catch up then it does to just put time and effort in each day. Preparation is important and vital to create order within your daily tasks. Becoming a parent is the most trusted gift the Lord has given us. Raising our children during these times can be challenging but if we take the time to just listen, learn and watch their every move we will have the opportunity to operate and function with much success. I look forward to teaching moments and teaching them about morals and standards. I am proud to be a Mom and proud of what my boys are becoming.

I lost 14 pounds!

I arrive early for my appointment and sit patiently.. wait a minute is that why they call us patients cause patiently we wait to see the one man who is the driver of our engine-less carriage. Well my cargo is precious and my doctor rocks so I didn't think about it really. My doctor's office plays this snazzy video with lots and lots of information and recipe ideas so I was fixated on that for a while.

In the past few days I am working on my "House of Order Project". House of order is just that; a house of order set to relieve me from the hustle and bustle that breaks me physically. Knowing that I have MS now there will be a lot of times I might need to ask for help. I have to know where in my lovely chaotic schedule I could use the help. Prior to this I still struggled with physical setbacks and life was such a clutter even if I asked for help I couldn't tell you where I needed it.

OK so now it's getting late and they haven't called me back so I start going through my Mommy list. The To do list is swirling around in my head offering me some anxiety because it's pushing 7 p.m. Yes, I know a very late doctor's appointment but no complaints coming from me because this way I don't have to take time off work (that's another challenge). Mind you tonight was the night to start our strict bedtime. Looks like once again we role with the punches and try again the next day. I will share with you my Mommy list as I processed it.

Read and say spelling words, write 10 sentences (1st grader), read for at least 20 minutes, write rhyming words then give Jaxson some one on one homework focus, feed the dog, baths, prep for morning departure geez I hope Mom fed them, oh the dog --the dog has been there all day I hope she is behaving.. crossing fingers don't let me come home to a mess, our nightly dog run she is really gonna need it after being home all day.. It's 7 now and bedtime is 9 argghhh guess we get to start tomorrow for the strict bed time.

My breathing has probably escalated at this point so I text to relieve some thought. Talking to Steph about a nice set of knives and a food processor. Ahhh that makes me happy. Steph loves everything wonderful and she has a way to excite you about the darndest things just in the moment. (my brother did good) "Aimee", they call. As we walk down the "hall of shame", I call it that cause it leads to the scale; I feel anxiety again. Steroids are my friend but they don't make me look or feel pretty. I am swollen all over and if you stick a pin in me I might pop. Now the moment of shame.

Side thought for those that don't know me: I was always the thickest of my sisters, built Ford tough. Let's say Ihad a small complex mostly about my legs but although I was " thick" I still felt sexy and rocked every bit of it. Thyroid issues has helped me pack on 40 pounds in less than 1 year -->more like 6 months so now I am feeling a little bit more insecure.

Back to the moment of shame .. dunt dun dun... I have managed to stay around 213 lbs since the thyroid ablation, anything over 215 makes me mad mad mad. So here we are the beloved scale, wishing I could refuse I STEP ON and at this point my eyes almost pop out of my head. 227, REALLY, SERIOUSLY WHY ME!

My mind runs wild.! here I will share!. Holy hell that is nearly 50 lbs from my average weight, that will take years, at risk for diabetes oh geez one more health problem, bury me just bury me now, I can barely reach my toes now this weight feels like its being painted on. Is this the end of packing on lbs or are they going to keep adding up. My chair at work holy poop I wont fit. My kids; how will I take care of them. I cant move in this body.. its not mine

"Have a seat the doctor will be right in", she says. Right in!, are you kidding me. 30 minutes I laid there crying. When the doctor arrives I say " Please don't ever leave me with my thoughts for so long again". My doctor is an old high school mate which bring me comfort, I trust him. Let's just say this appointment was more of a therapy session than anything. So I have a ton of water weight -so what- it will go away. Just have to ride this one out. (eyes rolling dramatically)
So here's the catch that night I lost 14 lbs. How! you ask. I have angels.. yep me.

I arrived at my parents house at 8:30 pm. Exhausted? absolutely. I walked in the door and barked " did you do your homework". See with Jaxson that is possible with Shakur it's a 2 hour event with an adult or big brother present. My Father picked Jaxson up from school and Shakur from Granny's for me then drove them to scouts and also picked them up. That was more help than anything mother could ask for. It doesn't stop there my Mom then steps in and cooks them a warm dinner -sloppy joes- and helps them to finish the homework. A tear is running down my eye as I tell you this. That 14lbs was lost the minute my parents stepped up to help. That night weighed more than 14 lbs to me but due to 2 amazing individuals I was lighter than ever. I am grateful for a loving, compassionate and serving parents. I am grateful I got to experience the other end of their love that night.

Looking for way's to lose Holiday weight gain? Look to God he will point you in the right direction.

Service each day keeps the pounds away

*Understood*

Friends are great. A great friend that really knows and understands you -:hard to come by:- Women are unique and unusual and often times we need recognition, sympathy and understanding. I feel like I don't make sense..not even to myself. Try catching me on a creative day >>my mind goes 100 miles a minute and I unleash ideas like flood gates have been broken open. Inspiration moves me and when it does you better look out!

So what does this all mean, you ask? Today I was filled to the brim.. ready to unleash... wanting to be surrounded in a room full of artists.. Energy vibing... hearts beating... breaths of passion --WAIT--> as I write this " THE CLIMAX" is building in my brain almost like the leading intro to an energetic film but really I don't imagine you are reading this in the same drama it comes to me. Please bare with me or dramatically imagine where I might be going with this.

Do you know what it feels like to have just one person who gets you..Comprehends every insecurity and idiosyncrasy about you yet still loves you and can stand to still be around you. Well if you can answer yes I would say " You are one lucky person".

All things are possible when you have someone to share your secrets with. For me I have an invisible bond with one person. This person will forgive me for my shortcomings and strengthen me when I am weak. Our bond has stood strong for many years and no matter where we find ourselves in life, we find that in each others presence we are understood. I love you sis!

Chasing my thoughts!

Life has a silly way of warming and waking you. My life is always evolving and transforming and with each new year I feel I have hit that mark. The revelation of life is a shift in existence. Challenges are a daily and I sit in my chase lounge at night with amazement that "I" yes me made it through just another day. Each day I say to myself " This day will break me" but once again I see the light. There is a reward at the end of each dark tunnel. A reward felt and understood by me and only me. Each day I am humbled and find myself speechless.

I thought finding out that I have a disease that will challenge me every day for the rest of my life would bring me a lot of grief and heartache but really I now see life through different eyes. Simply the small things are just that -small things-. We live a life centered around ourselves. We live each day protecting ourselves, defining ourselves, working for ourselves. We find it hard to focus on much more then that which surrounds ourselves.

Yesterday I had met my pain level. I met my match. Although I managed to walk through my front doors and not crawl was a surprise to me. As I sit in my Chase lounge with my heated blanket comforting my back I reflected on life. I had visions of my past struggles of life and thought if this trial is hard what can my future bring and how will I prepared for whats next. *humble* very humbled by all of this. I sat and imagined Christ and the pain and persecution of his experience and I felt small in the sphere of life. I can't imagine a quarter of what my Lord might have felt. This image and understanding feeds me strength beyond measure. I imagine this God inside of me and fight to pull through each moment that breaks me in the moment. It is easy to cry and complain and to want sympathy but never will I know what Christ felt that day nor can I imagine the pain of most peoples struggles. Sure it is easy to say !"This is what I would do if I were her"! but truth is if we took our worst day.. you know that day that feels like we can't push any further and times it by 10 and then greet each and every person with that understanding I think just maybe we might be a more humble and sincere society. I don't know your struggles and maybe I might not come close to experiencing what you might feel each day but just know my simple smile I share with you is a conditional hug from my heart because my God has opened my eyes.

Pursuit of Meaning

Life's a dance you learn as you go Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow Don't worry about what you don't know Life's a dance you learn as you go

This song has continued to play over and over in my head. As I get older, naturally I come to understand myself more and more. Control seemed the driving force of my being. I love being rewarded and acknowledged for all that I could accomplish. For me there was no end in sight I wanted everything with a kiss of perfection. Although this is powerful and wonderful for most to have such strength and enthusiasm, for me it became a monster or a beast. I did not allow God to do his part because with my lack of knowledge I perceived this as my job on Earth. I did not allow a husband or my partnerships to play their role because I was scared to relinquish my title. I feared not being seen, heard or acknowledged. For me to not have a specific role meant not having an identity. We create social settings and formations as we grow. Me being a middle child I was lost between meeting the standards of my older and articulate siblings and then fighting for the attention of the cute and needy baby siblings. For years I have searched for what would make me -just me-. I started out as the tough, tom boy sister .I challenged my brothers and did't pay much attention to the girly things. I valued work but once high school finished there wasn't anyone around to validate my identity. I don't know if anyone is prepared for this crossroad. I suppose we all go through this trial in life. Your purpose is the essence of who you are. It is the reason you are alive. To know your purpose, you first have to know who you are. For some it might take a few years to find what makes them who they are and for others maybe a lifetime. Purpose doesn’t necessarily involve grand ideas or revolutionary inventions. Instead, it often springs from a commitment to be faithful in even the most undervalued tasks.

“The search for the purpose of life is one of the deepest of our experiences as human beings,”