Gratitude and my 3 fingers

It's that time again..I need to release on so many levels. Let's just say I am so proud of my 3 fingers that are cooperating so that I don't become an explosive vessel. -People- please, please live life to the fullest and find everything to be grateful for. There is nothing more frustrating than existing in a shell of a body that can't create or perform your hearts desires. Believe me I am mad at myself for ever whining or taking anything for granted. Here are a few things who are not my friends right now that -I- took for granted. Make-up brush (poked me in the eye) Can opener, (although a one-hand wonder spilled tuna juice on me), forks (they feed my shirt, not me), uugghh! medicine bottles (why did I forget to tell them no child proof lids), umm... mascara (is that suppose to go on eyelashes? cause my hand thinks otherwise), Bra (if I have someone fasten it) Pen (my hands worst enemy), Toothbrush (yah, not so much) and many others some to private to share.

OK now for the good part... what I am thankful for: My arms wrap all the way around my boys, I can scrub dishes (who would have thunk I would enjoy dishes), I can walk (mostly with support, but I can), vision (I love that I can see my beautiful boys smiles), My mind and speech (I would die if I couldn't talk :) ok not really, but maybe), oh yah MY 3 FINGERS shout out! (left hand -middle finger- right hand -pointer and thumb-), prayer (Lord knows I need him)

So truth is I am weak, I am frail and some days I lose hope. Deep down there is this strong, sassy I can do it all by myself little girl. So each day I have to make a choice. A choice to live and not take life for granted. Believe me it is easier said than done. Today was a day of sadness and depression. I started looking at my disabilities instead of my strengths. I started seeking out what I couldn't do instead of what I can. I have a testimony of service and believe it brings pure happiness because it causes you to look past yourself and to see life through others eyes. My dilemma today is my mind could not see service performed without the work of my hands. I am thankful to a friend that just let me unload this morning. He had so many great ideas to occupy my mind and with each one I threw a reason I couldn't. -I stopped- and thought to myself geez he is trying so hard to get me out of this funk and I won't give him a break. I thanked him for his willingness and said to myself " Nobody can change this but me". At this point I knew I needed to pray. "Lord show me the way, show me ways to perform service without my hands". Crazy how that works. I left and came back to the computer where I clicked on a blog (nieniedialogues.blogspot.com) that inspires me when I am weak. Go to her blog today 2-25-11 and just know God had something to tell me. From there I went to another blog that gave ideas of service. Ways we could help improve another person's life. Small gestures.

My blogs are written because they are a journal of my life and the lessons I learn as I journey through life. I love that we all have the opportunity to express ourselves in this nature. There are many of us who won't ever know each other but I am embraced and inspired by the blogs I read. So if all you have to give is your story please believe there is one woman somewhere along the way that was touched by you.

"Life holds so many simple blessings, each day bringing its own individual wonder"

I AM....

As I sit here and contemplate life I feel grateful to have this down time to reflect. Reflection and meditation is essential for me. I think sometimes we all need time to slow down and catch up with our personal and spiritual life. There is nothing I love more than being a mother. I am loving every growing and learning moment with my children. I also love feeling like I have grown as a parent. I spent a lot of years frustrated and yelling. I feel that as I have grown spiritually I find it easier to teach and approach each situation with a calm and loving approach. I feel A stronger personal faith in Jesus Christ will prepare your children for the challenges they will most surely face. I think often times we feel our children aren't listening when we speak. which is mostly true. The thing I have learned with my boys mostly Shakur he is watching my every move. Our example will impress and influence our children far more than our words.

As parents we prove to be in control and or superior to our children. This role serves as a threat and a challenge for children. There are those children who might respect your status or role as a parent and then there are those who challenge you as a parent. This is where you become frustrated and or creative. With my 2 boys I get the opportunity to experience both. I have found that giving my boys a title or role to play within our family gives them the opportunity to focus and embrace their strengths. We each share our weaknesses and then talk about how we can depend on the other who has the strength to help us through. This lesson has been so important for me because I spent many years thinking I had to do it on my own. I am finding you can still be appreciated in life even if you share the responsibility. It is so important for us to understand our role or to have a purpose so that we have a strong focus and direction.


Throughout your life on earth, seek diligently to fulfill the fundamental purposes of this life. While you may not have yet reached that ideal, do all you can through obedience and faith in the Lord to consistently draw as close to it as you are able. Let nothing dissuade you from that objective. If it requires fundamental changes in your personal life, make them. *Richard G. Scott

We are his hands

This is going to be quick and brief. I am going crazy cause I can't write or type or express myself. 2 days ago the crippling set in with my hands and now I am not able unleash the stories of my life. Everyone is telling me there is technology to support my disability so no worries I will get it out one way or another. As for now I get to strain with one finger to say "I AM BLESSED". Crazy to think; right! How could I a woman becoming crippled in a matter of 1 week be blessed?

So in a few words I want to say I have seen, felt and experienced angels, miracles and God's tender mercy. Never doubt what you put in the universe each day. God's hands are among us without hesitation. Each person, each thought, each prayer, each phone call, text message, each visit and every waking smile has been God's gift and communication to me. Open your hearts allow God and trust God to guide your path.

My experience is so sacred and sweet to me but I wanted to tell you I do not feel the pain his love surrounds me because you all; that are God's angels, surround me.

LOVE, GRATITUDE, AMAZEMENT, PEACE I want to scream from the mountain tops.

and now I will rest my piggies :)

Learn stillness

"We need the storms" might be a way we look at life and bare each burden that heads our way. I sit in my hospital bed feeling the pain and discomfort of my illness. I sit frustrated at the lack of control I have being in this position of life. I then realize I have not submitted my will to God and I have not mustered a bit of faith. Sad, angry, confused, lost, weak are my current weather conditions. After talking to a friend late last night he stated

"learn stillness, there is a God; just listen".

Truth is I have lived 32 years but starting today I will be born to a new world and a new way of life unlike the one I have come to know. I am vulnerable, lost and disturbed. I have to admit how alone I have felt over the past several months but I realize now there are so many loved ones who surround me and care for me. Most of my sadness is for my little warriors who have to grow so fast to assist me and care for me when really it should be the other way around. Shakur came to the hospital today to see me and oh how I longed to hold and comfort him. There are many words we don't have to speak as mothers yet we can communicate through a simple embrace with our children. I loved to just cradle him in my arms.

I got to thinking about the storms of life that shake us, bringing us down to our knees. Perhaps it's financial, or a matter of health; perhaps it's losing the trust of someone you've grown accustomed to leaning on. Maybe it's shaking your faith, but hopefully it's doing the opposite--drawing you closer to the arms of the one who protects.

We need the storms. For without them we wouldn't see that we have need for Christ. We all walk the same soil that trips us up from time to time leaving us feeling alone in the storm. But like me who wants so desperately to stand on my own, I am not alone and shouldn't be. I praise God that He is there to comfort me, to cleanse me, and to shelter me under His wing. I need my Father, and because of Him, I can weather the storm.

Taking one rain drop at a time

Oh how life comes in small packages sometimes they are just exploding suprise packages. I find that my sadness is mostly annoying, sometimes needed but out right a nuisance. I tend to get quiet and retract from the world but writing relieves my pain. So thank you all who read this and support me with your thoughts and friendship just bare with me while we or "I" get through this. I have goals that wake me up every morning and get me out of bed. These desires mean so much to me that I just look at my disabilities and say "not today". That victim or prisoner mentality doesnt go very far with me. Once I recognize that -state of mind- I shred it to pieces.

So let's talk about the things that wake me up each morning and keep me going.

• My handsome babes ( My strapling young warriors)


• My goal of saving 10k this year


• My pride and independence


• My future hunka-hunka burnin love (where ever he might be :))


• And of course my Lord ( yep he keeps me tall)

Ok this is enough to get me through right now.. the list isn't long but it's mine and it personally pushes me through the thunder storms. So like the say

" Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"

Seeking Aimee

A broken heart can cause you to feel abandoned by everyone. Finding faith to go on; seems just too hard. You want to crawl up somewhere, hide your face and never come out. You want dig the pain out your heart, if you could and just rest from it for awhile; but as I know, you can't. There is a process for pain and healing, and everyone does it differently. My heart is broken by disease. I find myself feeling guilt. Guilt for my actions in life, wondering if somehow this is my punishment. My will is strong and I have so many strong desires to succeed in life but for many years I have been set back by hardship and disease. Each time I regain momentum I then somehow hit a very large wall. I feel I have tapped into all my reserves to fight back. My lighthouse shines dim. Exhausted and drained are an understatement. Optimism, faith and hope seem so far from my heart. It angers me to feel this dark and sad. I know better but find it all a challenge. Can a girl just be sad maybe even mad. Can a woman take time to seek God and not feel guilt because she can't meet the needs of everyone else. I don't want to worry about shorting my hours cause I miss a few days at work.. I don't want to worry I might lose my job if I show some proof of weakness.. I don't want to ask my 9 and 6 year old boys to help me dress because I am helpless.. I don't want to depend on those young men to take care of themselves because Mommy is crippled both emotionally and physically.. I want the opportunity to fall in love.. I want the ability to work hard to earn an income to support my boys through college, a mission and their life. I don't want for to much just the basics life and love.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

I will spend a few days relighting my candle, searching my soul for God I know he lives inside me and creating more reservoirs of strength. I need my God and I need to find "me" right now.

Fear cripples our potential

Fear gives us the opportunity to fail. Fear cripples the mind from ever reaching in front of ourselves. It blinds us from recognizing our potentials. Most people view all failures as wrong or harmful when most of it is necessary and helpful. My greatest fear of failure is the dependency. Having to ride on someone elses coat tail until I can get back up. I have always been good at supporting any and everyone else dreams and inspirations. I suppose that was my safety net; to live vicariously through another but still have the opportunity to experience success. Time and time again I watched many people cripple under pressure or not really believe their full potential. Prematurely they would pull back not understanding just how close they were to success.

Success has many faces. Relationships, monetary gain, commitment to God, schooling, new career path or just kicking an old habit are a few of many success' and failures I have experienced or been a part of. Balance is vital. Beware of unbalanced values in your life. Beware when any one value however benign in itself; becomes too powerful. Over-achievers destroy their own peace of mind and the lives of those who work for them. People too attached to “goodness” and morality become self-righteous. Those whose values for building close relationships become unbalanced, slide into smothering their friends and family with constant expressions of affection and demands for love in return. Balance counts more than you think. A little selfishness is valuable even in the most caring person. And a little failure is essential to preserve everyone’s perspective on success.

I write you these things as they become my life's lesson. Sometimes it is my second or third time learning these lessons. Truth is as much as I fight to keep my mind sane while MS cripples my body, I am also letting MS cripple my mind and ability to move forward. It could be as little as having a fear of walking because I had one bad fall. Now it is a fear of relationships and careers because I can't perform at a perfect potential. I have good cheerleaders and people that see what I am capable of and all I can do is meet them with " I can't", " not now", " it's to late". Geez you might as well bury me now; right? Truth is I don't have the answers nor do I always have the strength and each task is exhausting. Rejection hurts! I can, I know I can do many things people are telling me but I am just scared.

I might not be ready to overcome all my fears at once but I am ready to live at my full potential.
" How to train a (dragon --> I mean) my mind". I am hoping to find success and comfort so I guess I will update you as I go along.