Seeking Aimee

A broken heart can cause you to feel abandoned by everyone. Finding faith to go on; seems just too hard. You want to crawl up somewhere, hide your face and never come out. You want dig the pain out your heart, if you could and just rest from it for awhile; but as I know, you can't. There is a process for pain and healing, and everyone does it differently. My heart is broken by disease. I find myself feeling guilt. Guilt for my actions in life, wondering if somehow this is my punishment. My will is strong and I have so many strong desires to succeed in life but for many years I have been set back by hardship and disease. Each time I regain momentum I then somehow hit a very large wall. I feel I have tapped into all my reserves to fight back. My lighthouse shines dim. Exhausted and drained are an understatement. Optimism, faith and hope seem so far from my heart. It angers me to feel this dark and sad. I know better but find it all a challenge. Can a girl just be sad maybe even mad. Can a woman take time to seek God and not feel guilt because she can't meet the needs of everyone else. I don't want to worry about shorting my hours cause I miss a few days at work.. I don't want to worry I might lose my job if I show some proof of weakness.. I don't want to ask my 9 and 6 year old boys to help me dress because I am helpless.. I don't want to depend on those young men to take care of themselves because Mommy is crippled both emotionally and physically.. I want the opportunity to fall in love.. I want the ability to work hard to earn an income to support my boys through college, a mission and their life. I don't want for to much just the basics life and love.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

I will spend a few days relighting my candle, searching my soul for God I know he lives inside me and creating more reservoirs of strength. I need my God and I need to find "me" right now.