It'ssss Baaaaaack! MS is ravaging my body once again. I am frustrated and feel trapped.

The End..

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold.
Count your many blessings, money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your Lord on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Today the cross is heavy to bear. I began singing this church hymn to redirect my thoughts and pain.

*1 year ago* Look how far I have come. I have been reading entries from 1 year ago and WOW! what a difference a few friends and 1 year will do. I am loving the fact that I can see how my strength has grown in just 1 year. I am seeing how we often find many of life's woes a curse but if we could only see 1 year ahead we would never say that. Bless yourselves with the desire to Journal so you can smile when you see how far you have really come.

May we feast on the words of Christ

Ho-hum... I find myself unsettled and not focused. I spend a lot of time tediously planning life in my head and it all sounds -mastorious- (my word for master-mind) but my worry and guilt over take my potential.

Back to the basics! (my rule of thumb when I can't form complete sentences or sense). I often think about " if God were to come today is my life and home in order", um no! NOT SO MUCH. Am I depending praying and putting my faith in God? um not so much!

Well go figure no wonder I am a basket case. Truth is I have to stop focusing on "I" and get back to serving others and my God and maybe I won't feel so much anxiety.

I often think I would survive so much easier in a monotonous environment. I like the idea of predictable. Yet I am lucky enough to be different and I am needing to explore the power within me. I heard some women talking in church one day about wanting to be perfect at everything. As women I think all of us strive to work miracles in every aspect of life. When really we are given gifts and strengths different from the next. I am still in my beginning stages of understanding those gifts. I am still searching for my opportunity to give back to society.

I truly believe we have to put our faith in God. I have had the opportunity to be led by him with my faith firm. I can never forget my cries of thanks and my power to understand his hand in my life. I recently experienced hardship and found myself slowly losing faith and direction. I have been able to regain my strength and my feisty personality and I am ready to apply that to the Lord's work.

"Come what may and love it". The way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy we can be in life. I am so grateful for the challenges I have faced and the strength I gained to overcome. I am grateful for the opportunity I have 2 raise 2 beautiful young men. As I raise them I see the power and love of God. What an amazing gift and I often know God chose them especially for me. I am loved by God and I am determined to fulfill his will for me.

Just Sunning

It took faith and a little push over the edge. Do you ever get a strong feeling that something is right for you? Do you always listen and take a leap of faith? Well I am finally in a healthy enough place that I can hear those moments that say "you can do it". I always felt like I could move mountains if I just had one person believe in me. I have come to understand My Heavenly Father believes in me. He gave me purpose and strength for a reason. I love to here my earthly Father say "God gave you these trials because out of all my daughters he knew you had the strength". As a child I fought for my Fathers attention. I was always trying to keep up with my brothers so that my father would notice me. My strength stands strong as I battle MS and slowly my spirit grows and strengthens. I love that I am creating a business and focus that allows me to touch other peoples lives. Already I can see the opened doors for me and I am so grateful for the many people who are patient and support me.

Yesterday it went from clear skies to dark clouds and rain within 30 minutes. It rained for a while and then the sun appeared, yet it was still raining. I said to my boys " how is it the sun is shining but it is raining". My sons reply " this weather has mixed emotions maybe the sun just need to cry instead of the clouds". :) I felt a connection to this sweet conversation. Sometimes my sun is shining but I find a reason to cry. I hope we can all recognize the sun in our lives and our tears; will be tears of joy.

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” -C.S. Lewis

Connecting dots.....

I promised myself I would not write without having a new purpose and experience. I am here in Star Valley, Wyoming. Star Valley was always a fun 2 week vacation when we were children but the truth is our roots are here. This to me is some of the most beautiful country I have seen. I come here and feel peace and understanding. See my grandfather bought 100's of acres back in the 70's mostly for cattle at first but my Grandfather had a dream and a vision and in the end he created not only a town but a resort. My Grandpa instilled that dream within everyone of us Stewarts. So when I come to Star Valley I find myself here. As I talk to my cousins a see a piece of me in each one of them. We sit and we laugh and we often times say " us Stewarts" because there is a title and claim to that name. That name has power and presence and I am realizing so do I.

OK so I go to a fair about 2 weeks ago when I was talking about purpose. I physically was having a bad day, having to use the walker to walk... I hate when that happens but I just needed to get out. My family kept trying to make me sit on a bench while they looked around.. now what fun is that? I pushed even harder and even further to try and prove I could do it. There came a time that I had to use the restroom but I didn't want the walker slowing me up so I walked without it. :) yah well I barely made it back.. The victory was I didn't fall. So I get to the main bench where all the old ladies are resting and as I sit there I see my favorite candles, Scentsy. I go and buy some and in that moment of choosing my scents something clicked inside of me. I saw myself in the girl working and I felt for a moment I could have a purpose other than mourning my disease. I gathered my candles and my info and went home and sat on it (not literally). I found myself creating opportunity to live and to give. Luckily Mandy called me and asked was I still interested in the opportunity and when I got that message everything in me said, "yes". So I had my first Scentsy party or sell and it was a success. I feel really good about all of this because it is getting my wheels turning, helping me look past my disability, creating opportunity and best of all giving me purpose.

When you connect the dots between your day's simple pleasures, life seems fuller and more satisfying.

Purpose, what is it?

As I get my strength back I begin to adjust my sails. My heart (my vessel) is ready to move. I feel this storm, this Tiger brewing inside of me and I am seeking an outlet. Of course there are differences about me now and physical limitations but I pray they don't stay permanent. How do I at 33 readjust my sails and find a whole new passion or purpose? It's harder than you think. Maybe even a process that has been going on longer than i am consciously aware. I imagine this process might happen many times over a life span. I was reading this book, A Passionate Life a christian based book. It talked about finding your purpose and that we should take paper and write down what we are passionate about. The writer states to continue the list writing until you find the purpose that makes you cry or have some emotional connection. "Interesting", I thought. This list can take hours, maybe days but in the end it will be helpful. As I was making a small list in my head I kept thinking do I have enough life experience to recognize what I am passionate about? Do I expose myself to a variety of things to see myself within it? umm, probably not! The truth is I have a lot of passion and no real direction. I believe I could take just about anything and move mountains with it. I am on a quest and I would even take advice or direction to push me through this safety zone I am living in. In my 20's I took risks now in my 30's I find myself being to modest and to safe. "Practice will get you in the rhythm of walking". So get ready for my recital it will be -far out-.

The will of God

The will of God will never take you,
Where the grace of God cannot keep you.
Where the arms of God cannot support you,
Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
Where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the spirit of God cannot work through you,
Where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
Where the army of God cannot protect you,
Where the hands of God cannot mold you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the love of God cannot enfold you,
Where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
Where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
Where the Word of God cannot feed you,
Where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
Where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

poem by Georgy

Humility

Filled with guilt and contention. I understand my spirit is in turmoil therefore polluting those that surround me. I understand that when my finger gets to pointing I am somehow silently suffering. I need to look inside myself and find my sufferings and weakness so that I can do what it takes to pull the layers of hurt and pain. My confidence is low therefore I feel as though I am under microscope and I am being judged. There is a pressure of perfection; a reality which is challenging to reach.

I have to often ask myself where that pressure of perfection is coming from. I have always wanted to please my parents maybe even stand out above my siblings so that I am acknowledged in a positive light. Is it competition or a desire to improve myself? I am motivated by competition but this is a time that I must make things right for myself not for my parents approval.

Repentance comes to mind for mine actions against others. I have a commitment to love unconditionally and to see all for the good they offer whether it be for me or others. Pride and criticism seem to be my weakness. So easily I forget my shortcomings and so quickly I judge.

Today on Fathers Day I will think of my Heavenly Father and I will recommit my resolutions and I will find joy in service to my Lord. It is my duty to keep my heart cleansed and to share my heart and testimony with others. My weaknesses are also my strength. I shall commit myself to choose the strength in light of my weaknesses.

Do not wait for the God to humble you. Humility earned and worked for is much more gratifying.

Ephesian 4:29
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

Happy Fathers Day!

I'll be there in a hurry

Getting motivated.. transform old habits into good.. what a challenge! I have a huge wall of stubborn misfit inside of me. Awkwardly it is my nature to rebel. Why? Why does this have to be my challenge in life? I am and have been settled into life. Content with my choices and progress but there is this little something inside of me that has to act out. Right now I don't have many ways to rebel so it ends up being with food. For one I don't have an appetite. Maybe it is my thyroid and MS meds or maybe it is just me. I have a hard time eating so I tend to just snack. Well snacks usually aren't within the 5 food groups; at least not the ones placed before me. So granted I had a health scare and some obnoxious set backs but I just can't drop the weight I gained from these situations. You know what I hate? I hate that I am even talking about my weight in this manner. I have always been a thick woman but never was I insecure with my body shape, until now. I have never been a dieter but now it looks as though I have joined a new group within society. There are limits to my physical activities. Part of me is bound by fear; fear of the pain that follows or the weakness and disability within my body. I have a little guy on one shoulder saying "there are no limits to where you go" and the other voice " saying don't do it, you will pay for it with pain". I weened myself off of my pain meds because I could not handle how it altered my brain. I felt a constant fog which took away feeling and my thought processing. All my life i have been a thinker and a feeler so this was not o.k. or comfortable for me to be in a state of obscurity.

This summer I am headed to Star Valley, WY. I have the chance to make good healthy choices; without to many distractions. I will be surrounded by majestic mountains. I am hoping I can fight my stubborn ways and overcome this weight that haunts me. I have a lot of family there so I am hoping to get them on my side so they can push me to my goal. Having family can go good or bad. Family equals celebration, food, long visits and so on.

Truly I am grateful that weight is my challenge right now. I have overcome disabilities and set backs. So it is funny to me that I cry about my weight. I sit here and smile that this is my biggest challenge right now.

There are many things I am grateful for mainly the feeling of comfort I receive from a loving God. I love to tap into my inner Marvin Gaye and belt out the appropriate song for my life which is "Aint No Mountain High Enough". I love to sing this to that girl I know I am suppose to become.

"There ain't no mountain high enough,
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you"

I love the fight in me! I am just learning to fight for what matters.

Tough as nails

I just caught my breath as I look back on last week. Feeling like I just got out alive..barely! Funny how we wonder how we will make it through and yet again the following week it feels like there is life's next nightmare. arggh! I want to know who is manning this operation. They need to understand I must relax so that I can get better. -NOPE- instead I am pushed each week to the brim.

All this talk of ask for help.. it is great to get help but I exhaust myself finding the person who has the energy and the schedule to pull off another persons needs outside of their own. Life has a way of jumping out on you just when you think you have everything in control.. just when you are ready to wrap yourself in your snuggy and crawl into your favorite spot and just relax.

So since i am stubborn maybe even bull headed I have the will to fight. Many people overcome tragedy and illness with a good fight; so why can't I? I don't feel like resting nor do I feel like asking for help..ummm you didn't hear me say that! But really now I have 2 young boys that are "we need you right now" kind of boys. Where is the rest in that? Well there just isn't so cross your fingers that I don't drive myself into the ground :). -I have faith-

I dreamed of being a boxer and a dancer. Now I feel like the only thing I am fighting is my dreams.

Where am I?

Where am I right now? I feel in limbo..seeking purpose. I was always a career Mom. I liked having specific purpose and although it became exhausting with 2 kids it made me whole. Now that i am not working I find motivation and stamina a conflict. I get that my body is not 100% yet I want to function at 110%. What a conflict. Being forced to relax seems so foolish for me to feel this way. Have you ever sabotaged success because it is an unfamiliar place? Well that is where I am right now. I could work towards weight loss and improving my health: but NO my mind doesn't want that. I know if I work just a little a day towards my goal that fire with finally light inside of me. I feel every time I start something kicks me back down. There is success in overcoming those barriers but I just have to find the strength one more time. I am often inspired by those that surround me. I need to surround myself with strong, surviving women.

I have a son who treats me like I treated my Mom. He is only 7 so this should be fun. I can say humility and foot in my mouth. As I reflect on Mothers day I find that my heart needs to be softened. I have been asked to talk in church on Mothers Day. I suppose doing all the research got me thinking. I often dreaded the date because it caused me to reflect on my failures instead of my accomplishments. As I write my talk I figure I will speak to the women who might share my similar pain or those women who aren't yet Mothers. I understand being a Mother comes in all variations. Being a single parent there have been many that have helped me along the way. I will call on my Lord to guide me through these trying times. I am fortunate to have this opportunity to reflect.

My fabret day

Should parents be held responsible for their children's actions? I think we play a major role in our children's progression. Monkey see; monkey do. So my point of writing this is because I wanted to brag but the truth is I have a conscious and I know that my boys gain a major part of their qualities from me. Yah a few I am not proud of. Being a single Mom I sometimes feel it necessary to rough my boys up (wrestle, tease and punch them like a big sister would) Don't worry I am not being abusive but mocking what I would think a Dad would do if he were around. My younger more sensitive son told be yesterday I was a bully. HMM! I wondered how could that be? So I asked and listened. So he says because of the way I beat them up and play with him. OUCH! My first thought was he is being to sensitive he should know I am just playing around with him. I then recall feeling those same emotions as a child and wishing I had a voice to be heard. He continues to tell me in a sweet way he doesn't like bullies and he never want's to be a bully. He refuses to be with kids who might act in that manner. Embarrassing..! my 7 year old is giving me lessons in life. As much as I am a tom boy and loved wrestling and roughing up boys when I was a little girl I have to sort of soften up and be an example for my kids. Shakur is always holding me to my promises and actions. Don't you love a child that keeps you in line. lol The best part of my son watching my every move is that he has taken on some sweet and spiritual actions of mine. I love to see when my actions as a mother prove to be a success. So my son is in the 1st grade and he is new at reading and writing. I have loved writing and in the past year I have been disciplined at keeping a journal. A journal for me is a release of emotion that is necessary but not everyone wants to hear about. I am also grateful for this desire because I only hope it will serve a purpose later in life. So the best part is my son came to me with an empty notebook today and said this is his journal. He shared with me it's contents "I am a fan of Ellen (Degeneres)" he writes -so funny- He professes his love but we will keep the girls a secret. I just love that he is keeping a journal. I won't be naughty and tell all but he makes me laugh. The best part is how he is sounding out words to spell and my favorite part is that he spelled favorite =Fabret. Kids are sweet, I wish I had 20 so I could laugh all day.

Happy Birthday for me

Oh by golley G...supercalifragilis-expealidocious I am a day older and wiser too. Pretty relaxed.. no night at the clubs but I went and saw Rio had a sonic Dr. Pepper and tortilla soup from Baja. I am in a simple stage of life and willing to embrace my following chapter of life. I look forward to spending my summer in Beautiful Star Valley Wyoming. Laying by the pool and spending time with my extended family. I will run now because I have to wake early to hit the gym with my Dad. I am hoping to maintain strength and physically improve. I will either push myself to success or push myself to be bed ridden. No Fear! Masseuse and Chiropractor will be standing close by. Toodles

...Even your spinach

Ponder..wait...pray..wait..cry and wait

I am forever seeking. Seeking my meaning. Ideally I had something else in mind. I was only taught one way but yet that way became a path I was not familiar with. I often wonder did I choose this path or is it the path that was handed to me. I am not on the cookie cutter path instead I am searching everywhere just to find the ingredients. I once was lost but I want to be found. I feel in transition. A feeling of being spun 100 times with the blind fold on.. stopped and now I have to walk that chosen path. I have what it takes within me.. it was always there... I just have to find my footing to continue on. I am not sure if i have any obvious distractions other than myself. It is a good thing I write cause I have to go back and visit myself just to find that strength. Oh how it is easy to forget. Imagine the labor we go through to birth a child or the painful road for those who just find that path to be a parent. Somewhere along the way there is pain,sadness and misery but in an instance the pain is gone when we fulfill the fruits of our labors.

Maintaining that strength by far is the biggest challenge. Accessing all the tools necessary to fight through just one more moment of one more day. How long should we try? When do we know the effort is good enough. I am like a small child desperately seeking approval. Approval creates motivation and security for me. As I read about my past in my journals I find it easy to approve of that person I read about. So why is it so hard to do in the moment each day? I am a person of reason and meaning. Without a role to play I lose my abilities. What role can a divorced mother of 2; crippling with pain of MS play? This has become my challenge; to seek "me". I must seek the unknown to find meaning.

Of course I have flashes of what I imagined life would be like. I then have flashes of the road I took that changed the course. Finally I just look at me now. It haunts me as if looking at an old picture where once I felt fat. Now I pick that picture up and say "I was so beautiful I wish I could be her again". I think "if I only I knew that what would I have made her become".We have the opportunity to find beauty in the moment but we will be disappointed if we seek anywhere other than within ourselves.

Beautiful is gliding with each step.
Beautiful is weather that allows us to enjoy our family on a spring day in the park.
Beautiful is a family pulling together in the time of tragedy.
Beautiful is having someone tell you they are proud of you.
Beautiful is being recognized, acknowledged and loved.
Beautiful is the simple act of giving.
Beautiful is to experience love.

Love absolutely everything that happens in your life you wont regret it....

To close but to far

Some days I would love to jump in the car, grab a smoothie and take the kids to the park. It's ok I am forced to just take it easy for now. I love my time spent with my boys. Moving back in with Mom and Dad is a blessing but it has its challenges. I feel like I have lost my identity as mother and I'm put back in a child's place. I watched this new show where the kids take over... I so wish I could have been on that show as a child. I love, that the show gives the kids a voice. I find not having a voice can be a challenge for me. I love to express and communicate so my efforts to connect with others can sometimes seem burdensome for them. Being trapped in the house all day and no opportunity to interact and express; by far it is my biggest challenge. I see that I am worrying about unnecessary things and that my worries are becoming more selfish. It is important to maintain an active physical body and mind so that I don't find myself deteriorating. Life's lessons show up in mysterious ways. I will just have to find myself in each one of them

I have!

Have you ever had an undeniable feeling that you know that Christ lives?


Have you had experiences where you feel absolutely alone yet there are moments where you feel recognized? Have you felt comfort, yet you are the only one in the room? Have there been people who have walked in the door and answered your prayers without even know your cries for help? Did you ever think "there is no way I can make it through" yet over time that becomes an experience of strength that gets you through the next? Do you kneel,cry,ask, listen and read? Have you ever looked around and thought "there is nobody who can understand"? Do you know the feeling of being recognized, acknowledged and loved? Do you recognize, understand and embrace all things?
Do you know what it means to love unconditionally? How long should we try?

Joshua 1:9
Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

Where is my bird song?

I am alive and that's what matters most!

It is past 3 a.m. and I am searching for an old child hood hymn. As I look for inspiration to pull me in the right direction I find myself in the lap of a Hymn book. I search through the titles and with majority of them I start singing each song. After being gone for so long I had no idea those songs lay still in my heart. Rushing memories with each song. I can almost remember the instance that each song touched my heart. Now that I have each song running through me I am finding it hard to remember the chorus of the song I was searching. I am eager to find the song that once touched my little heart. I am grateful the search opened my heart and invited love from songs of my childhood.

What is your favorite church Hymn or childhood song?

Looking for my jelly

Writers block--> or maybe a spiritual block. I have a strong testimony and desire of writing in my journal to transfer as a gift to my children. I became stubborn and retracted when I no longer had the ability to write. I still have the opportunity to type which also stands as a challenge when my fingers lock up. These disabilities brought havoc and sadness for me. That was the problem; I couldn't take the focus off of me and my illness to remember the precious opportunity to share my life and journey with my children. I can't help but think how amazing it would be to have journals of my parents. I have always been a high energy and been a serving individual. Having MS has made me feel like I have lost my ability and identity. I tend to mourn my past self instead of accept and embrace my new self. "How dare I", I often say. I feel it is hard to find my "swagger" limping with a walker but we all know that is not my purpose. These days I find myself copping out and saying "I can't". NEVER have I been one to say "I can't" so why now. I need to find my " I can man". People are influential and contagious therefore I need to find my Batman to my Robin or my peanut butter to my jelly so that I can push forward. Sometimes we just need someone to help carry the weight until we regain the strength.

" The Lord" I hear you that are reading this yelling out "this is when you call on the Lord". Yep! you are right. I do find it hard to not have physical companionship but I am learning that the Lord is my Redeemer and I am not alone.

Reach Beyond

"Your destiny is waiting for you; you just have to want it bad enough." Jillian,Biggest Loser.
I heard this quote while watching Biggest Loser. Next I saw a woman on t.v. who was in a wheel chair due to a spinal cord injury who wanted so bad to walk down the isle at her wedding. Due to technology and her determination not only will she walk, she will also dance with her groom. I sit here almost feeling defeated and these 2 things inspired me to get out of my dark place. 1 mile.. did you see that big ol' 1 yep I conquered a whole mile today. I was dragging a foot and needed Moms support for the last 50 steps but I made it. No walker! Did you all know there is awesome powers within you and your amazing brain. My brain fights to talk to my limbs but today I pushed my brain to tell those feet we were running across the finish line. Was I? No, but in my mind that's what I was accomplishing. I think there are many of us who don't know what we are capable of including me. My days aren't easy but I am ready to live with the idea of crossing that finish line with each step I take. The pain isn't pretty but the accomplishment is beautiful. I rewarded myself with a haircut.. a professional one and eyebrow threading. Tomorrow I will get it colored and I am super excited cause it has been a long time since I treated myself. I have a gift card for a massage and then a night out next Friday to see Blue Man Group. So I just wanted to tell you guys this, not to brag but to tell you I'm back. I am finding life again and I will fight this disease and any barrier that steps in my way. Fight for what's yours, in the end it will be worth more than you can imagine.

Gratitude and my 3 fingers

It's that time again..I need to release on so many levels. Let's just say I am so proud of my 3 fingers that are cooperating so that I don't become an explosive vessel. -People- please, please live life to the fullest and find everything to be grateful for. There is nothing more frustrating than existing in a shell of a body that can't create or perform your hearts desires. Believe me I am mad at myself for ever whining or taking anything for granted. Here are a few things who are not my friends right now that -I- took for granted. Make-up brush (poked me in the eye) Can opener, (although a one-hand wonder spilled tuna juice on me), forks (they feed my shirt, not me), uugghh! medicine bottles (why did I forget to tell them no child proof lids), umm... mascara (is that suppose to go on eyelashes? cause my hand thinks otherwise), Bra (if I have someone fasten it) Pen (my hands worst enemy), Toothbrush (yah, not so much) and many others some to private to share.

OK now for the good part... what I am thankful for: My arms wrap all the way around my boys, I can scrub dishes (who would have thunk I would enjoy dishes), I can walk (mostly with support, but I can), vision (I love that I can see my beautiful boys smiles), My mind and speech (I would die if I couldn't talk :) ok not really, but maybe), oh yah MY 3 FINGERS shout out! (left hand -middle finger- right hand -pointer and thumb-), prayer (Lord knows I need him)

So truth is I am weak, I am frail and some days I lose hope. Deep down there is this strong, sassy I can do it all by myself little girl. So each day I have to make a choice. A choice to live and not take life for granted. Believe me it is easier said than done. Today was a day of sadness and depression. I started looking at my disabilities instead of my strengths. I started seeking out what I couldn't do instead of what I can. I have a testimony of service and believe it brings pure happiness because it causes you to look past yourself and to see life through others eyes. My dilemma today is my mind could not see service performed without the work of my hands. I am thankful to a friend that just let me unload this morning. He had so many great ideas to occupy my mind and with each one I threw a reason I couldn't. -I stopped- and thought to myself geez he is trying so hard to get me out of this funk and I won't give him a break. I thanked him for his willingness and said to myself " Nobody can change this but me". At this point I knew I needed to pray. "Lord show me the way, show me ways to perform service without my hands". Crazy how that works. I left and came back to the computer where I clicked on a blog (nieniedialogues.blogspot.com) that inspires me when I am weak. Go to her blog today 2-25-11 and just know God had something to tell me. From there I went to another blog that gave ideas of service. Ways we could help improve another person's life. Small gestures.

My blogs are written because they are a journal of my life and the lessons I learn as I journey through life. I love that we all have the opportunity to express ourselves in this nature. There are many of us who won't ever know each other but I am embraced and inspired by the blogs I read. So if all you have to give is your story please believe there is one woman somewhere along the way that was touched by you.

"Life holds so many simple blessings, each day bringing its own individual wonder"

I AM....

As I sit here and contemplate life I feel grateful to have this down time to reflect. Reflection and meditation is essential for me. I think sometimes we all need time to slow down and catch up with our personal and spiritual life. There is nothing I love more than being a mother. I am loving every growing and learning moment with my children. I also love feeling like I have grown as a parent. I spent a lot of years frustrated and yelling. I feel that as I have grown spiritually I find it easier to teach and approach each situation with a calm and loving approach. I feel A stronger personal faith in Jesus Christ will prepare your children for the challenges they will most surely face. I think often times we feel our children aren't listening when we speak. which is mostly true. The thing I have learned with my boys mostly Shakur he is watching my every move. Our example will impress and influence our children far more than our words.

As parents we prove to be in control and or superior to our children. This role serves as a threat and a challenge for children. There are those children who might respect your status or role as a parent and then there are those who challenge you as a parent. This is where you become frustrated and or creative. With my 2 boys I get the opportunity to experience both. I have found that giving my boys a title or role to play within our family gives them the opportunity to focus and embrace their strengths. We each share our weaknesses and then talk about how we can depend on the other who has the strength to help us through. This lesson has been so important for me because I spent many years thinking I had to do it on my own. I am finding you can still be appreciated in life even if you share the responsibility. It is so important for us to understand our role or to have a purpose so that we have a strong focus and direction.


Throughout your life on earth, seek diligently to fulfill the fundamental purposes of this life. While you may not have yet reached that ideal, do all you can through obedience and faith in the Lord to consistently draw as close to it as you are able. Let nothing dissuade you from that objective. If it requires fundamental changes in your personal life, make them. *Richard G. Scott

We are his hands

This is going to be quick and brief. I am going crazy cause I can't write or type or express myself. 2 days ago the crippling set in with my hands and now I am not able unleash the stories of my life. Everyone is telling me there is technology to support my disability so no worries I will get it out one way or another. As for now I get to strain with one finger to say "I AM BLESSED". Crazy to think; right! How could I a woman becoming crippled in a matter of 1 week be blessed?

So in a few words I want to say I have seen, felt and experienced angels, miracles and God's tender mercy. Never doubt what you put in the universe each day. God's hands are among us without hesitation. Each person, each thought, each prayer, each phone call, text message, each visit and every waking smile has been God's gift and communication to me. Open your hearts allow God and trust God to guide your path.

My experience is so sacred and sweet to me but I wanted to tell you I do not feel the pain his love surrounds me because you all; that are God's angels, surround me.

LOVE, GRATITUDE, AMAZEMENT, PEACE I want to scream from the mountain tops.

and now I will rest my piggies :)

Learn stillness

"We need the storms" might be a way we look at life and bare each burden that heads our way. I sit in my hospital bed feeling the pain and discomfort of my illness. I sit frustrated at the lack of control I have being in this position of life. I then realize I have not submitted my will to God and I have not mustered a bit of faith. Sad, angry, confused, lost, weak are my current weather conditions. After talking to a friend late last night he stated

"learn stillness, there is a God; just listen".

Truth is I have lived 32 years but starting today I will be born to a new world and a new way of life unlike the one I have come to know. I am vulnerable, lost and disturbed. I have to admit how alone I have felt over the past several months but I realize now there are so many loved ones who surround me and care for me. Most of my sadness is for my little warriors who have to grow so fast to assist me and care for me when really it should be the other way around. Shakur came to the hospital today to see me and oh how I longed to hold and comfort him. There are many words we don't have to speak as mothers yet we can communicate through a simple embrace with our children. I loved to just cradle him in my arms.

I got to thinking about the storms of life that shake us, bringing us down to our knees. Perhaps it's financial, or a matter of health; perhaps it's losing the trust of someone you've grown accustomed to leaning on. Maybe it's shaking your faith, but hopefully it's doing the opposite--drawing you closer to the arms of the one who protects.

We need the storms. For without them we wouldn't see that we have need for Christ. We all walk the same soil that trips us up from time to time leaving us feeling alone in the storm. But like me who wants so desperately to stand on my own, I am not alone and shouldn't be. I praise God that He is there to comfort me, to cleanse me, and to shelter me under His wing. I need my Father, and because of Him, I can weather the storm.

Taking one rain drop at a time

Oh how life comes in small packages sometimes they are just exploding suprise packages. I find that my sadness is mostly annoying, sometimes needed but out right a nuisance. I tend to get quiet and retract from the world but writing relieves my pain. So thank you all who read this and support me with your thoughts and friendship just bare with me while we or "I" get through this. I have goals that wake me up every morning and get me out of bed. These desires mean so much to me that I just look at my disabilities and say "not today". That victim or prisoner mentality doesnt go very far with me. Once I recognize that -state of mind- I shred it to pieces.

So let's talk about the things that wake me up each morning and keep me going.

• My handsome babes ( My strapling young warriors)


• My goal of saving 10k this year


• My pride and independence


• My future hunka-hunka burnin love (where ever he might be :))


• And of course my Lord ( yep he keeps me tall)

Ok this is enough to get me through right now.. the list isn't long but it's mine and it personally pushes me through the thunder storms. So like the say

" Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"

Seeking Aimee

A broken heart can cause you to feel abandoned by everyone. Finding faith to go on; seems just too hard. You want to crawl up somewhere, hide your face and never come out. You want dig the pain out your heart, if you could and just rest from it for awhile; but as I know, you can't. There is a process for pain and healing, and everyone does it differently. My heart is broken by disease. I find myself feeling guilt. Guilt for my actions in life, wondering if somehow this is my punishment. My will is strong and I have so many strong desires to succeed in life but for many years I have been set back by hardship and disease. Each time I regain momentum I then somehow hit a very large wall. I feel I have tapped into all my reserves to fight back. My lighthouse shines dim. Exhausted and drained are an understatement. Optimism, faith and hope seem so far from my heart. It angers me to feel this dark and sad. I know better but find it all a challenge. Can a girl just be sad maybe even mad. Can a woman take time to seek God and not feel guilt because she can't meet the needs of everyone else. I don't want to worry about shorting my hours cause I miss a few days at work.. I don't want to worry I might lose my job if I show some proof of weakness.. I don't want to ask my 9 and 6 year old boys to help me dress because I am helpless.. I don't want to depend on those young men to take care of themselves because Mommy is crippled both emotionally and physically.. I want the opportunity to fall in love.. I want the ability to work hard to earn an income to support my boys through college, a mission and their life. I don't want for to much just the basics life and love.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

I will spend a few days relighting my candle, searching my soul for God I know he lives inside me and creating more reservoirs of strength. I need my God and I need to find "me" right now.

Fear cripples our potential

Fear gives us the opportunity to fail. Fear cripples the mind from ever reaching in front of ourselves. It blinds us from recognizing our potentials. Most people view all failures as wrong or harmful when most of it is necessary and helpful. My greatest fear of failure is the dependency. Having to ride on someone elses coat tail until I can get back up. I have always been good at supporting any and everyone else dreams and inspirations. I suppose that was my safety net; to live vicariously through another but still have the opportunity to experience success. Time and time again I watched many people cripple under pressure or not really believe their full potential. Prematurely they would pull back not understanding just how close they were to success.

Success has many faces. Relationships, monetary gain, commitment to God, schooling, new career path or just kicking an old habit are a few of many success' and failures I have experienced or been a part of. Balance is vital. Beware of unbalanced values in your life. Beware when any one value however benign in itself; becomes too powerful. Over-achievers destroy their own peace of mind and the lives of those who work for them. People too attached to “goodness” and morality become self-righteous. Those whose values for building close relationships become unbalanced, slide into smothering their friends and family with constant expressions of affection and demands for love in return. Balance counts more than you think. A little selfishness is valuable even in the most caring person. And a little failure is essential to preserve everyone’s perspective on success.

I write you these things as they become my life's lesson. Sometimes it is my second or third time learning these lessons. Truth is as much as I fight to keep my mind sane while MS cripples my body, I am also letting MS cripple my mind and ability to move forward. It could be as little as having a fear of walking because I had one bad fall. Now it is a fear of relationships and careers because I can't perform at a perfect potential. I have good cheerleaders and people that see what I am capable of and all I can do is meet them with " I can't", " not now", " it's to late". Geez you might as well bury me now; right? Truth is I don't have the answers nor do I always have the strength and each task is exhausting. Rejection hurts! I can, I know I can do many things people are telling me but I am just scared.

I might not be ready to overcome all my fears at once but I am ready to live at my full potential.
" How to train a (dragon --> I mean) my mind". I am hoping to find success and comfort so I guess I will update you as I go along.

Crossroads

Crossroads of life. Life lived without regret. When and how do we make a decision that might steer us from a choice of comfort and stability to stand on what feels like a ledge of uncertainty. 2 roads both having positive outcomes one leaving me vulnerable but creating greater opportunity.

Life is made of choices
It's not a trick of fate
We wake up every morning
To a fresh, clean slate
Like a never ending road
Our journey is our own
No one can take it for us
We have to walk alone

It's not a roll of the dice
Or luck on our side
It's the mountains we climb
The sins we can't hide
It's trusting in the Lord
To show you the way
To give you strength and courage
To live another day

Life is full of crossroads
We choose which path we take
We pray we walk the right one
In decisions that we make
Some roads are dark and lonely
Others show joy and light
On a wing and a prayer
Will you travel left or right?

(c) Linda Hill 2005

Pat your head and rub your belly!

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. –Bill Cosby

Does this affect me in any way?

Yes it does.

In a big way!

It stops me. It limits me. I don’t do things because of it!

Sometimes I hesitate, or don’t do something because I am not sure of how somebody else will receive it. I wonder, what will somebody think of me. Is this good enough for them?

Is it good enough for me?!

That should be the question I ask myself. If I like it, that’s a good enough reason for doing it.

Try to please yourself. To like yourself. To have faith in yourself.

When I start thinking about others and their reaction to what I do, that limits me, that puts pressure on me that I have to overcome.I know. I should be stronger. But sometimes I am not. Or sometimes I give in to that “external” influence. And that’s what’s wrong with trying to please everybody.

Trying to please everybody might stop you from doing anything!

So what’s better?

If something that you do pleases yourself, then that should be enough.

I understand this has been my weakness and struggle and has kept me from truly living. So mark my words I will soon master this. Not only will I choose that which makes me happy but I will choose that which makes my Lord happy. With that being said, I imagine I will find peace and revelation.

It's never a chore

We are extraordinary at climax. Every song is our family anthem. Often times our dancing is not rehearsed it is purged from each limb as if it is necessary for survival. Music is our bird song and dancing is our flight and freedom.

I have always had a love for dancing and music from a young age. You could catch me choreographing dance moves in my room with friends. I lived to dance but never had the opportunity to be a part of a professional group. After I had Jaxson I felt I should join a dance team or get some training. I was worried that I would get older and never live my dream. You are never to old to dance. My dance group was made up of girls ranging in age from 6 to 16. Can you imagine me and this young girl group as a team. ha ha ha. I belly laugh thinking about it but nobody could take my love from me. The one thing that kept me going is our dance teacher she was well over 65 but her heart was 21. I admired her enthusiasm and her skill she made me push further. Never was I allowed to mutter the word I can't because she would be on her way to show me how it was done.

When my nieces were young they spent a lot of time with me. They were my Ginnie Pigs. We had so much fun dancing and if you ask them what their memories are of me they will say making up dance routines. I started my boys young also. If the music was on I was moving. Dance, dance, dance I would tell them. Jaxson gets better everyday we had to break him of his stiff like coordination. Now he is practically tearing it up like John Travolta. Shakur oh wow! this boy is a natural and can move to anything. He makes body parts move that you didn't even know a 6 year old had. He really should be on Broadway or some professional setting because it just come so natural to him. This really makes me happy that my boys share a same love or passion with me. It makes us unique and fun and it really makes for living here together a joy.

Saturday I worked with the boys on doing chores around the house. They are getting older and so I felt it was time to add another chore to the list. I gave them instructions on how to clean our small down stairs bathroom. It was fun showing them how I use to clean as a child. I feel if you show joy for the things you do your children will carry on the same joy and or enthusiasm. I wanted to share a day in the life of our family. I am blessed to have 2 boys with a love for life and a love for me. ENJOY!

As we grow

This evening I had dinner at Mom and Dad's. My Mom has a screamin enchilada recipe. Both the boys and I had our fair share of helpings and packed a lunch for tomorrow. My favorite part about dinner was our conversation. I loved the fact that we sat as a family and talked about each one of our strengths. We spent time listening and contributing to the conversation. Mostly we talked about what impressed us at church and how we might prepare for any down turn in the economy. I have a strong testimony of not living beyond your means and ridding yourself of all things both expensive and distracting. You can say I have an addiction to making and saving money. Addiction normally is used in negative light but in this case it is an extreme blessing. This desire to save and protect my family or financial situation is talked about so much it is starting to rub off on those around me. Society has a way of making us feel as if we need or can't live with out certain things of life. I am guilty of living this way or spending more money because I didn't plan or prepare in advance. House of order has weighed heavy on my mind. I find that it takes more energy to play catch up then it does to just put time and effort in each day. Preparation is important and vital to create order within your daily tasks. Becoming a parent is the most trusted gift the Lord has given us. Raising our children during these times can be challenging but if we take the time to just listen, learn and watch their every move we will have the opportunity to operate and function with much success. I look forward to teaching moments and teaching them about morals and standards. I am proud to be a Mom and proud of what my boys are becoming.

I lost 14 pounds!

I arrive early for my appointment and sit patiently.. wait a minute is that why they call us patients cause patiently we wait to see the one man who is the driver of our engine-less carriage. Well my cargo is precious and my doctor rocks so I didn't think about it really. My doctor's office plays this snazzy video with lots and lots of information and recipe ideas so I was fixated on that for a while.

In the past few days I am working on my "House of Order Project". House of order is just that; a house of order set to relieve me from the hustle and bustle that breaks me physically. Knowing that I have MS now there will be a lot of times I might need to ask for help. I have to know where in my lovely chaotic schedule I could use the help. Prior to this I still struggled with physical setbacks and life was such a clutter even if I asked for help I couldn't tell you where I needed it.

OK so now it's getting late and they haven't called me back so I start going through my Mommy list. The To do list is swirling around in my head offering me some anxiety because it's pushing 7 p.m. Yes, I know a very late doctor's appointment but no complaints coming from me because this way I don't have to take time off work (that's another challenge). Mind you tonight was the night to start our strict bedtime. Looks like once again we role with the punches and try again the next day. I will share with you my Mommy list as I processed it.

Read and say spelling words, write 10 sentences (1st grader), read for at least 20 minutes, write rhyming words then give Jaxson some one on one homework focus, feed the dog, baths, prep for morning departure geez I hope Mom fed them, oh the dog --the dog has been there all day I hope she is behaving.. crossing fingers don't let me come home to a mess, our nightly dog run she is really gonna need it after being home all day.. It's 7 now and bedtime is 9 argghhh guess we get to start tomorrow for the strict bed time.

My breathing has probably escalated at this point so I text to relieve some thought. Talking to Steph about a nice set of knives and a food processor. Ahhh that makes me happy. Steph loves everything wonderful and she has a way to excite you about the darndest things just in the moment. (my brother did good) "Aimee", they call. As we walk down the "hall of shame", I call it that cause it leads to the scale; I feel anxiety again. Steroids are my friend but they don't make me look or feel pretty. I am swollen all over and if you stick a pin in me I might pop. Now the moment of shame.

Side thought for those that don't know me: I was always the thickest of my sisters, built Ford tough. Let's say Ihad a small complex mostly about my legs but although I was " thick" I still felt sexy and rocked every bit of it. Thyroid issues has helped me pack on 40 pounds in less than 1 year -->more like 6 months so now I am feeling a little bit more insecure.

Back to the moment of shame .. dunt dun dun... I have managed to stay around 213 lbs since the thyroid ablation, anything over 215 makes me mad mad mad. So here we are the beloved scale, wishing I could refuse I STEP ON and at this point my eyes almost pop out of my head. 227, REALLY, SERIOUSLY WHY ME!

My mind runs wild.! here I will share!. Holy hell that is nearly 50 lbs from my average weight, that will take years, at risk for diabetes oh geez one more health problem, bury me just bury me now, I can barely reach my toes now this weight feels like its being painted on. Is this the end of packing on lbs or are they going to keep adding up. My chair at work holy poop I wont fit. My kids; how will I take care of them. I cant move in this body.. its not mine

"Have a seat the doctor will be right in", she says. Right in!, are you kidding me. 30 minutes I laid there crying. When the doctor arrives I say " Please don't ever leave me with my thoughts for so long again". My doctor is an old high school mate which bring me comfort, I trust him. Let's just say this appointment was more of a therapy session than anything. So I have a ton of water weight -so what- it will go away. Just have to ride this one out. (eyes rolling dramatically)
So here's the catch that night I lost 14 lbs. How! you ask. I have angels.. yep me.

I arrived at my parents house at 8:30 pm. Exhausted? absolutely. I walked in the door and barked " did you do your homework". See with Jaxson that is possible with Shakur it's a 2 hour event with an adult or big brother present. My Father picked Jaxson up from school and Shakur from Granny's for me then drove them to scouts and also picked them up. That was more help than anything mother could ask for. It doesn't stop there my Mom then steps in and cooks them a warm dinner -sloppy joes- and helps them to finish the homework. A tear is running down my eye as I tell you this. That 14lbs was lost the minute my parents stepped up to help. That night weighed more than 14 lbs to me but due to 2 amazing individuals I was lighter than ever. I am grateful for a loving, compassionate and serving parents. I am grateful I got to experience the other end of their love that night.

Looking for way's to lose Holiday weight gain? Look to God he will point you in the right direction.

Service each day keeps the pounds away

*Understood*

Friends are great. A great friend that really knows and understands you -:hard to come by:- Women are unique and unusual and often times we need recognition, sympathy and understanding. I feel like I don't make sense..not even to myself. Try catching me on a creative day >>my mind goes 100 miles a minute and I unleash ideas like flood gates have been broken open. Inspiration moves me and when it does you better look out!

So what does this all mean, you ask? Today I was filled to the brim.. ready to unleash... wanting to be surrounded in a room full of artists.. Energy vibing... hearts beating... breaths of passion --WAIT--> as I write this " THE CLIMAX" is building in my brain almost like the leading intro to an energetic film but really I don't imagine you are reading this in the same drama it comes to me. Please bare with me or dramatically imagine where I might be going with this.

Do you know what it feels like to have just one person who gets you..Comprehends every insecurity and idiosyncrasy about you yet still loves you and can stand to still be around you. Well if you can answer yes I would say " You are one lucky person".

All things are possible when you have someone to share your secrets with. For me I have an invisible bond with one person. This person will forgive me for my shortcomings and strengthen me when I am weak. Our bond has stood strong for many years and no matter where we find ourselves in life, we find that in each others presence we are understood. I love you sis!

Chasing my thoughts!

Life has a silly way of warming and waking you. My life is always evolving and transforming and with each new year I feel I have hit that mark. The revelation of life is a shift in existence. Challenges are a daily and I sit in my chase lounge at night with amazement that "I" yes me made it through just another day. Each day I say to myself " This day will break me" but once again I see the light. There is a reward at the end of each dark tunnel. A reward felt and understood by me and only me. Each day I am humbled and find myself speechless.

I thought finding out that I have a disease that will challenge me every day for the rest of my life would bring me a lot of grief and heartache but really I now see life through different eyes. Simply the small things are just that -small things-. We live a life centered around ourselves. We live each day protecting ourselves, defining ourselves, working for ourselves. We find it hard to focus on much more then that which surrounds ourselves.

Yesterday I had met my pain level. I met my match. Although I managed to walk through my front doors and not crawl was a surprise to me. As I sit in my Chase lounge with my heated blanket comforting my back I reflected on life. I had visions of my past struggles of life and thought if this trial is hard what can my future bring and how will I prepared for whats next. *humble* very humbled by all of this. I sat and imagined Christ and the pain and persecution of his experience and I felt small in the sphere of life. I can't imagine a quarter of what my Lord might have felt. This image and understanding feeds me strength beyond measure. I imagine this God inside of me and fight to pull through each moment that breaks me in the moment. It is easy to cry and complain and to want sympathy but never will I know what Christ felt that day nor can I imagine the pain of most peoples struggles. Sure it is easy to say !"This is what I would do if I were her"! but truth is if we took our worst day.. you know that day that feels like we can't push any further and times it by 10 and then greet each and every person with that understanding I think just maybe we might be a more humble and sincere society. I don't know your struggles and maybe I might not come close to experiencing what you might feel each day but just know my simple smile I share with you is a conditional hug from my heart because my God has opened my eyes.

Pursuit of Meaning

Life's a dance you learn as you go Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow Don't worry about what you don't know Life's a dance you learn as you go

This song has continued to play over and over in my head. As I get older, naturally I come to understand myself more and more. Control seemed the driving force of my being. I love being rewarded and acknowledged for all that I could accomplish. For me there was no end in sight I wanted everything with a kiss of perfection. Although this is powerful and wonderful for most to have such strength and enthusiasm, for me it became a monster or a beast. I did not allow God to do his part because with my lack of knowledge I perceived this as my job on Earth. I did not allow a husband or my partnerships to play their role because I was scared to relinquish my title. I feared not being seen, heard or acknowledged. For me to not have a specific role meant not having an identity. We create social settings and formations as we grow. Me being a middle child I was lost between meeting the standards of my older and articulate siblings and then fighting for the attention of the cute and needy baby siblings. For years I have searched for what would make me -just me-. I started out as the tough, tom boy sister .I challenged my brothers and did't pay much attention to the girly things. I valued work but once high school finished there wasn't anyone around to validate my identity. I don't know if anyone is prepared for this crossroad. I suppose we all go through this trial in life. Your purpose is the essence of who you are. It is the reason you are alive. To know your purpose, you first have to know who you are. For some it might take a few years to find what makes them who they are and for others maybe a lifetime. Purpose doesn’t necessarily involve grand ideas or revolutionary inventions. Instead, it often springs from a commitment to be faithful in even the most undervalued tasks.

“The search for the purpose of life is one of the deepest of our experiences as human beings,”